I feel the excitement mixed with fear building up as the day of my departure draws closer. I'll be flying over the Atlantic on Tuesday, what a wonderful thing that will be. It's all preparation this week, can barely make time to write a post and when I do I'm always exhausted.
I was thinking this morning about me traveling, it brought back what the fortune teller told me the day I walked back from my interview in Leeds (earlier post simply be), she'd said that I'd be flying over waters....well it seems she got that one right, she might be a fortune teller after all- that doesn't make me a belly dancer,I was bluffing - maybe she has something or maybe she made me believe and it sort of happened. Not sure really, doesn't really matter I just hope the thing about the three children stays a misinterpreted fortune.
Well tomorrow I'll be doing the last bits of my travel arrangements and then it's off to NYC. I promise to capture it's beauty. I won't forget the camera, that's a promise.
Thursday 20 September 2007
Tuesday 18 September 2007
I Wonder What Lies Ahead??
I spent the whole day on my laptop looking for hotels in NYC. Pricey like I expected but then again it's just one of those things.
I'm looking forward to going to an unknown place, exploring all possibilities meeting new people, people you never knew existed. I remember the first time I arrived at London Heathrow, I was filled with both fear and excitement. Just being in an unknown place wondering how life is and what would happen. I remember meeting a girl on the plane and teaming up with her to find our way around. We were soooo excited about getting the underground, on the tube we felt like children with new toys. Although we parted at Victoria station, I've never forgotten her.
At Victoria I realised that my next mode of transport would only set off the next morning and it was 12a.m at the time. I went out onto the buzzing streets of London. People everywhere at the time, a city that never sleeps and I met a girl who had come from France. It wasn't her first visit so she knew her way around. We spent the night snacking on high fat foods and black coffee to stay awake and keep warm. It was freezing, I'd chosen such a "perfect" time to land in England.
Anyway we spent the night walking between the train station and the coach station because I couldn't make up my dam mind which I preferred. And since she had nothing much to do herself until the next morning didn't mind my indecision. Fact- I was coming from SA, rand to pound ratio at the time was R10 equaled £1, so I had to go easy on the £200 I had. The train would cost £60 to Leeds and the bus was £20 at the time. Now you can imagine my dread, the down side to the cheap ride was that it would mean another 4hrs travelling after a night spent at a station and not to forget a ten hour flight. The train though was a quick two hours.
We chatted about it and we talked about living in the UK until 6am when the station opened and I wished her the best and headed to get my £60 train ticket (It was worth it). So I wonder what lies ahead for me in NYC, at least this time I'll have the exchange advantage and I've made better plans but it's still so exciting, I wonder who I'm going to meet!!!
I'm looking forward to going to an unknown place, exploring all possibilities meeting new people, people you never knew existed. I remember the first time I arrived at London Heathrow, I was filled with both fear and excitement. Just being in an unknown place wondering how life is and what would happen. I remember meeting a girl on the plane and teaming up with her to find our way around. We were soooo excited about getting the underground, on the tube we felt like children with new toys. Although we parted at Victoria station, I've never forgotten her.
At Victoria I realised that my next mode of transport would only set off the next morning and it was 12a.m at the time. I went out onto the buzzing streets of London. People everywhere at the time, a city that never sleeps and I met a girl who had come from France. It wasn't her first visit so she knew her way around. We spent the night snacking on high fat foods and black coffee to stay awake and keep warm. It was freezing, I'd chosen such a "perfect" time to land in England.
Anyway we spent the night walking between the train station and the coach station because I couldn't make up my dam mind which I preferred. And since she had nothing much to do herself until the next morning didn't mind my indecision. Fact- I was coming from SA, rand to pound ratio at the time was R10 equaled £1, so I had to go easy on the £200 I had. The train would cost £60 to Leeds and the bus was £20 at the time. Now you can imagine my dread, the down side to the cheap ride was that it would mean another 4hrs travelling after a night spent at a station and not to forget a ten hour flight. The train though was a quick two hours.
We chatted about it and we talked about living in the UK until 6am when the station opened and I wished her the best and headed to get my £60 train ticket (It was worth it). So I wonder what lies ahead for me in NYC, at least this time I'll have the exchange advantage and I've made better plans but it's still so exciting, I wonder who I'm going to meet!!!
Monday 17 September 2007
I have plans
I have a plan or I had a plan. My plan was to go to New York next week. I'd sourced out everything I needed to know and today I was on the verge on getting my ticket when I get a temp job offer! Why at this time, why when I'm feeling content with my life does this job suddenly have to spring up now and it's an immediate start.
I've recked my brain about it and tried not to seek advice outside myself. This decision has to be mine and mine alone. I want to take total responsibility for the actions I'm going to take. I know what my gut is saying verses my head. The reasoning mind is telling me to go for the job. I came across a blog http://opensourcemarketer.com/blog/ The article posted on the 20th August titled Do you ask why not me, gave me the answer I was looking for. I think I've made me decision.
There is a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I want change so I'll go the road less travelled and like Alice in wonderland see how far the rabbit hole goes.
I've recked my brain about it and tried not to seek advice outside myself. This decision has to be mine and mine alone. I want to take total responsibility for the actions I'm going to take. I know what my gut is saying verses my head. The reasoning mind is telling me to go for the job. I came across a blog http://opensourcemarketer.com/blog/ The article posted on the 20th August titled Do you ask why not me, gave me the answer I was looking for. I think I've made me decision.
There is a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I want change so I'll go the road less travelled and like Alice in wonderland see how far the rabbit hole goes.
Thursday 13 September 2007
Message from the subconscious
Two days in a row.....Honestly this must be some sort of a message or is it? Or is it a subconscious thing I'm bringing forward in my mind.
What am I on about???? Oh, well here's the thing. Yesterday morning I'm in the car about to take Naomi to school, put on the radio and I hear a song. It hits me, I loved it. In the afternoon, I'm driving to pick up Naomi, stop at the garage to top up on fuel and when I drive out I put on the radio and the exact same song is playing again. Same song. Same day! Coincidence Maybe.
Now here's why I'm writing about this. Got up this morning and like all mornings before I do anything I switch on the radio. Not really for music but I love listening to the breakfast show on Galaxy. So I switch on and guess what was playing....... I don't have to tell you. I couldn't help but listen and I think I understand those lyrics more than I would have a year ago.
I know you must be wondering what's the song and who's it by, so I made the effort to find it on You Tube and share it with you!!!
What am I on about???? Oh, well here's the thing. Yesterday morning I'm in the car about to take Naomi to school, put on the radio and I hear a song. It hits me, I loved it. In the afternoon, I'm driving to pick up Naomi, stop at the garage to top up on fuel and when I drive out I put on the radio and the exact same song is playing again. Same song. Same day! Coincidence Maybe.
Now here's why I'm writing about this. Got up this morning and like all mornings before I do anything I switch on the radio. Not really for music but I love listening to the breakfast show on Galaxy. So I switch on and guess what was playing....... I don't have to tell you. I couldn't help but listen and I think I understand those lyrics more than I would have a year ago.
I know you must be wondering what's the song and who's it by, so I made the effort to find it on You Tube and share it with you!!!
Tuesday 11 September 2007
Responsibility
Got feed back from the latest interview and it doesn't seem like I'll be starting work anytime soon. Not that I'm heart broken. I've been thinking alot about what I want lately. I asked myself how a many times have I made decisions based on my external environment and the answer was, always.
There really hasn't been a time I can recall, where I made the decision entirely on my own. I'm not saying I just went along with what was presented to me. I couldn't remember a decision I actually made without looking for an answer from an external source. And that's honest. From getting married, to jobs, everytime somewhere along the line I consulted someone or something. I looked for answers on the internet, in books in other peoples lives, and yes I made some great decisions but I have never made a decision from my core.
So today I decide to do something along those lines. I'd gone for a lovely walk with a friend, left my mobile in my bag. When we got back to the car I checked my phone for missed calls. I had one message from the agency I work with. There was a job that needed filling ASAP. I could even start tomorrow if I wanted to, all I had to do was call back.
The first thing that happened was I was about to ask my friend what to do when I suddenly held back. I sat back and thought about it for a while. I thought about it. Then I called the agency back. It's a fact the money could do me good but was this job for me or was I going to take it just because I felt obliged to? The job was in Bradford. It would take me about an hour from home to work everyday. I said I'd think about it.
I thought about it alright, I thought about the money, the money I needed. I thought about what people must think of me for being out of work for so long. I could show them that I was capable of swinging back into the game. I weighed my options, the salary verses the amount of fuel that would have to go into my car. I was about to phone another friend to ask what I should do but held off. I almost called the ex, but I'm glad I never consulted any of the above because not only would the mixture of opinions complicate things, I would never have discovered the power and the sense of ownership of responsibility if I had done so.
So I called back the agent and thanked her for the consideration, that if it was within reasonable travel distance I would have considered it. That I'd have to decline on this occasion and for the first time I didn't feel good or bad about the decision, just happy to be in control for a change.
It has been a great turning point in my life and I've been using the past couple of days to brush up on my novel. The novel to which I'm waiting a response from the literary agent. I know what I want to do with my life. I've always known but for some reason I've always thought I needed someone elses approval, but now I know I don't!!!
There really hasn't been a time I can recall, where I made the decision entirely on my own. I'm not saying I just went along with what was presented to me. I couldn't remember a decision I actually made without looking for an answer from an external source. And that's honest. From getting married, to jobs, everytime somewhere along the line I consulted someone or something. I looked for answers on the internet, in books in other peoples lives, and yes I made some great decisions but I have never made a decision from my core.
So today I decide to do something along those lines. I'd gone for a lovely walk with a friend, left my mobile in my bag. When we got back to the car I checked my phone for missed calls. I had one message from the agency I work with. There was a job that needed filling ASAP. I could even start tomorrow if I wanted to, all I had to do was call back.
The first thing that happened was I was about to ask my friend what to do when I suddenly held back. I sat back and thought about it for a while. I thought about it. Then I called the agency back. It's a fact the money could do me good but was this job for me or was I going to take it just because I felt obliged to? The job was in Bradford. It would take me about an hour from home to work everyday. I said I'd think about it.
I thought about it alright, I thought about the money, the money I needed. I thought about what people must think of me for being out of work for so long. I could show them that I was capable of swinging back into the game. I weighed my options, the salary verses the amount of fuel that would have to go into my car. I was about to phone another friend to ask what I should do but held off. I almost called the ex, but I'm glad I never consulted any of the above because not only would the mixture of opinions complicate things, I would never have discovered the power and the sense of ownership of responsibility if I had done so.
So I called back the agent and thanked her for the consideration, that if it was within reasonable travel distance I would have considered it. That I'd have to decline on this occasion and for the first time I didn't feel good or bad about the decision, just happy to be in control for a change.
It has been a great turning point in my life and I've been using the past couple of days to brush up on my novel. The novel to which I'm waiting a response from the literary agent. I know what I want to do with my life. I've always known but for some reason I've always thought I needed someone elses approval, but now I know I don't!!!
Sunday 9 September 2007
The Wedding
We arrived at the wedding after two pm. I'd decided to dress smart casual. I'm not really into the wedding gear. (Smart hats, glittering dresses.) I'd gone for a white long dress - that was almost sweeping the floor- but thanks to my height it missed the floor by an inch. Curly hair, a simple necklace I got in SA and a pair of white sandals. I felt good about the choice. As expected everyone, well almost everyone was dressed to kill- literally- you can imagine how many credit cards where swiped the week prior to this wedding. It's all about the BENJAMIN'S- it's a fact in the African culture. It's about whose going to turn up in the most expensive attire even if it cost them their last pay check!!!!!
Anyway we arrived late, but never the less we were in time for the food!!! Yes I love wedding food, provided it isn't cold, which in this case it was. We (Friend and I ) stood at the door way eyeing how many available chairs that were left. I was busy rapping on about the decor when Friend made me aware that they were actually praying. So I zipped it for a second until they said Amen. Then we made ourselves comfortable in the back seats without the tables - that's what you get for being late- and then rushed over to the "buffet" to get our food - which was cold. Serves us right for rushing, because after we had greedily downed our food I could tell the burners had been heated, so the later crowd got the warm food- bummer!
I eyed out the fashion at the same time tried to get drunk on two Bacardi breezer - please- it was like downing orange juice, I needed something a little stronger. I only spotted two fashion disasters, the first was a woman who looked like she'd skinned a cheetah and the other lady, well lets just say she refused to make any investments in corsets. Enough said. I decided to entertain myself by having a little dance, which rudely kept being interrupted by the hopeless MC. He's just one of those people who loooooooved to hear themselves talk. So I bagged the dancing sooner than expected.
In all I had a good time, I got to spend time with my friends, which was fantastic and I got out of the house, now that's therapy so I know there be less drama from me this week!!!!!
Anyway we arrived late, but never the less we were in time for the food!!! Yes I love wedding food, provided it isn't cold, which in this case it was. We (Friend and I ) stood at the door way eyeing how many available chairs that were left. I was busy rapping on about the decor when Friend made me aware that they were actually praying. So I zipped it for a second until they said Amen. Then we made ourselves comfortable in the back seats without the tables - that's what you get for being late- and then rushed over to the "buffet" to get our food - which was cold. Serves us right for rushing, because after we had greedily downed our food I could tell the burners had been heated, so the later crowd got the warm food- bummer!
I eyed out the fashion at the same time tried to get drunk on two Bacardi breezer - please- it was like downing orange juice, I needed something a little stronger. I only spotted two fashion disasters, the first was a woman who looked like she'd skinned a cheetah and the other lady, well lets just say she refused to make any investments in corsets. Enough said. I decided to entertain myself by having a little dance, which rudely kept being interrupted by the hopeless MC. He's just one of those people who loooooooved to hear themselves talk. So I bagged the dancing sooner than expected.
In all I had a good time, I got to spend time with my friends, which was fantastic and I got out of the house, now that's therapy so I know there be less drama from me this week!!!!!
Saturday 8 September 2007
It's time
Yesterday went for interview in Leeds. At first didn't think much about it, thought it was going to be one of those interviews but the interviewers were genuinely interested in us. It was a group interview. There was no unnecessary pressure and you really felt you could be in that environment.
Big company, great perks including medical and dental insurance. The only downfall would be the hours for me. I know I can work around them but it would mean less time for Naomi, but on the other hand she'd have a happy mother and that's what's important. I'm not going to get too excited about it. If it is meant to be then I will embrace this with all my heart. I will own it. It's time. I'm ready to finally move on with my life.
Anyway today I'm off to Manchester for a wedding. How exciting!!!!! I'll do my usual, take out my judging cap and be eyeing out the attire. Love being a fashion inspector. I love to see how other people dress and what exactly they'd be thinking to be getting into clothes two sizes smaller. That's just me! It's only clothes and it's a bit of fun!
Big company, great perks including medical and dental insurance. The only downfall would be the hours for me. I know I can work around them but it would mean less time for Naomi, but on the other hand she'd have a happy mother and that's what's important. I'm not going to get too excited about it. If it is meant to be then I will embrace this with all my heart. I will own it. It's time. I'm ready to finally move on with my life.
Anyway today I'm off to Manchester for a wedding. How exciting!!!!! I'll do my usual, take out my judging cap and be eyeing out the attire. Love being a fashion inspector. I love to see how other people dress and what exactly they'd be thinking to be getting into clothes two sizes smaller. That's just me! It's only clothes and it's a bit of fun!
Thursday 6 September 2007
The world keeps spinning
I caught a glimpse a of a real live Jerry Springer show. Not that I'm a fan, but who can ignore screaming, yelling, hitting and finally sobbing in the middle of a town mall? I must admit I found it quite amusing and so did the rest of the shoppers who were forced to stop their browsing and tune into the drama of love. It's always about that. It's the main driving force that makes us act in such strange ways.
I walked by as quickly as I could, not because I didn't want to watch the drama to easy off the load off my non dramatic day but because it's a subconscious action I picked up in South Africa. The minute you hear raised voices in public in SA you run for it. You just never know whose going to pull out the sharp object first or start spraying bullets all over the show. I just got that funny fear feeling in the pit of my stomach, and kept as far away as possible at the same time glancing over my shoulder to take in snippets of the live act.
I did feel a little sympathy for the long haired brunette, in a pair of sweat pants and an off white t-shirt that seemed to have missed it's turn in the washing machine. Honestly, by the sound of her tone in the distance it sounded as though she'd had one two many. That goes for her three boyfriends or whoever they were with her. She was fighting with all of them. Story of my life. What can I say. I'm not into soaps so that was the best I could get.
Tomorrow I'm off to an interview looking forward to that not as exciting as today though but it will do!
I walked by as quickly as I could, not because I didn't want to watch the drama to easy off the load off my non dramatic day but because it's a subconscious action I picked up in South Africa. The minute you hear raised voices in public in SA you run for it. You just never know whose going to pull out the sharp object first or start spraying bullets all over the show. I just got that funny fear feeling in the pit of my stomach, and kept as far away as possible at the same time glancing over my shoulder to take in snippets of the live act.
I did feel a little sympathy for the long haired brunette, in a pair of sweat pants and an off white t-shirt that seemed to have missed it's turn in the washing machine. Honestly, by the sound of her tone in the distance it sounded as though she'd had one two many. That goes for her three boyfriends or whoever they were with her. She was fighting with all of them. Story of my life. What can I say. I'm not into soaps so that was the best I could get.
Tomorrow I'm off to an interview looking forward to that not as exciting as today though but it will do!
Wednesday 5 September 2007
Limiting beliefs
It's official, I'm divorced! I guess I can pawn my rings now. Looking back I never thought I'd ever get to this stage but I must admit it's not as bad as it seemed. Sometimes pain makes us make bad decisions but also just the thought of pain or the fear of pain is just as powerful. For a long time I'd known this was suppose to happen but I think that it was fear not love that kept me bound in a relationship that brought me alot of pain.
Honestly though, if I'd a second chance to do my life over from the start of let's say my teens, I'd wouldn't change a thing. I think that everything went just the way it was suppose to. Yes I could've chosen differently but it was never about getting to the finish line, it was about the journey. I'm still on that journey and looking back I'm soooooooo different to what I was ten years ago. Ten years ago I'd be yelling at a security guard for following me around a shop because the colour of my skin makes me a candidate for theft. Now I walk or simply ignore the bugger. I have more control over my life. That's not to say it's okay for other people to treat you badly, but my reactions were never about that person, they were about me actually believing the message he/ she was trying to pin on me.
It has taken me a marriage, bad jobs, bad relationships to wake me up to the reality that I'm enough. That I don't need to screech my vocal cords to force people to acknowledge it. I'm enough, it's that simple! It has taught me that being enough means walking away from the things and people that hurt me. Not gagging on the crap they feed me. That even if I have to be alone, if for a little while, and not stoop to those limiting beliefs then so be it. It's hard but it is a beautiful feeling to be in control of my own life. I've walked away from jobs and people that have been nothing but negative. And even though sometimes it feels like I'd made a mistake. (Some once said you should stick it out. That for me is the same as admitting that it's okay to be treated this way). In the long term I love myself more and it feels pretty dam good and I seem to have much more energy.
So thank you to all the people who have passed through my life. The lessons that I've learnt about myself. The love I feel for me. The reflections you brought back to me. I thank you for the experiences. Today I'm better than I was yesterday.
Enjoy this song by Faith Evans!
Honestly though, if I'd a second chance to do my life over from the start of let's say my teens, I'd wouldn't change a thing. I think that everything went just the way it was suppose to. Yes I could've chosen differently but it was never about getting to the finish line, it was about the journey. I'm still on that journey and looking back I'm soooooooo different to what I was ten years ago. Ten years ago I'd be yelling at a security guard for following me around a shop because the colour of my skin makes me a candidate for theft. Now I walk or simply ignore the bugger. I have more control over my life. That's not to say it's okay for other people to treat you badly, but my reactions were never about that person, they were about me actually believing the message he/ she was trying to pin on me.
It has taken me a marriage, bad jobs, bad relationships to wake me up to the reality that I'm enough. That I don't need to screech my vocal cords to force people to acknowledge it. I'm enough, it's that simple! It has taught me that being enough means walking away from the things and people that hurt me. Not gagging on the crap they feed me. That even if I have to be alone, if for a little while, and not stoop to those limiting beliefs then so be it. It's hard but it is a beautiful feeling to be in control of my own life. I've walked away from jobs and people that have been nothing but negative. And even though sometimes it feels like I'd made a mistake. (Some once said you should stick it out. That for me is the same as admitting that it's okay to be treated this way). In the long term I love myself more and it feels pretty dam good and I seem to have much more energy.
So thank you to all the people who have passed through my life. The lessons that I've learnt about myself. The love I feel for me. The reflections you brought back to me. I thank you for the experiences. Today I'm better than I was yesterday.
Enjoy this song by Faith Evans!
Monday 3 September 2007
Life
A friend gave me a brilliant idea over the weekend which I haven't been able to shake. He said I should write a book about how to get along with your ex. Now, you will notice from my previous posts the in's and outs of the relationship with the ex. But in all honesty my friend had a point, because no matter what he says I've never jeopardised our relationship as parents. How I've worked it out is how to separate his behaviour from who he is.
I don't tolerate any negative behaviour towards me and I think he's got that one worked out. He knows that I will only speak with him when we are both respecting one another. On the other hand I did go cold turkey when we broke up. That was zero contact for almost three months. I was like a junkie trying to get him out of my system. Once I'd got through that period the things that use to affect me, the things that use to draw me into arguments stopped working. That's not to say I don't get upset from time to time, but nowadays I simply walk away and let him deal with his issues and when he gets back to his senses treat him like the human being he is and the father of my precious daughter.
Life is in our full control. Feeling miserable is a choice, and I usually choose miserable more times than I should. Sometimes it just feels so dam hard getting out of the victim mentality. But I also realised that acknowledging it, forgiving yourself and getting back in the game is, in my opinion the way of life. I don't personally believe in giving advise, but I do believe that using my own experiences, other people maybe helped, in their own way. No two walks of life can be the same. How I felt in my break up maybe totally different to how another person deals with it, and that's alright. My stories hopefully will help one cope better while going through the pain.
I don't tolerate any negative behaviour towards me and I think he's got that one worked out. He knows that I will only speak with him when we are both respecting one another. On the other hand I did go cold turkey when we broke up. That was zero contact for almost three months. I was like a junkie trying to get him out of my system. Once I'd got through that period the things that use to affect me, the things that use to draw me into arguments stopped working. That's not to say I don't get upset from time to time, but nowadays I simply walk away and let him deal with his issues and when he gets back to his senses treat him like the human being he is and the father of my precious daughter.
Life is in our full control. Feeling miserable is a choice, and I usually choose miserable more times than I should. Sometimes it just feels so dam hard getting out of the victim mentality. But I also realised that acknowledging it, forgiving yourself and getting back in the game is, in my opinion the way of life. I don't personally believe in giving advise, but I do believe that using my own experiences, other people maybe helped, in their own way. No two walks of life can be the same. How I felt in my break up maybe totally different to how another person deals with it, and that's alright. My stories hopefully will help one cope better while going through the pain.
Friday 31 August 2007
Dragging my feet
I know I'm dragging my feet on my daily posts, but I've been quite busy. Well sort of. I've things to do places to go, you know... the important things. Went for and interview yesterday. I was ten minutes early and get this, the interviewer was late. Ha! Anyway it went okay, interesting lady. Mature and likes to wear loads of make up. I was really trying to focus on the subject at hand but I couldn't keep my eyes off the blue eye shadow! You know, sometimes I wonder about myself. You'd think I'd be concentrating on the interview but I always seem to wander. She was a nice lady all round. I'll know my fate on Monday.
Have two more interviews next week. One on Tuesday at 11 and another on Friday at 1pm. Good luck to me. Besides that I'm doing better than before. Today took Naomi to the doctor, shes got a funny rash...Nothing to worry about. The weekend is looking good, probably a barbecue if the weather is looking good and enough people are available.
Tonight just kicking back with a bottle of wine!
Have two more interviews next week. One on Tuesday at 11 and another on Friday at 1pm. Good luck to me. Besides that I'm doing better than before. Today took Naomi to the doctor, shes got a funny rash...Nothing to worry about. The weekend is looking good, probably a barbecue if the weather is looking good and enough people are available.
Tonight just kicking back with a bottle of wine!
Wednesday 29 August 2007
Change
I've been going through the motions again and don't know if I'm coming or going. The good thing though is that life seems to be looking up for me. I have a line of interviews to go to starting tomorrow and the following week, which will be great because Naomi is going back to school. I feel as though things are beginning to change and I'm not sure how I want to deal with them yet.
Had a good bank holiday, that's if you take out the Sunday drama. Had a barbecue at friends and laughed myself to pieces. It was nice though because I haven't been with these people before. You know it's funny, you enter into this circle that has been formed long before you arrive, you feel your defenses going up very quickly, but I must admit they were a different kind of people. People who spoke to me as if they'd know me for ages.
Anyway I'm giving myself a mini makeover this afternoon so I can look stunning for the coming interviews!!
Had a good bank holiday, that's if you take out the Sunday drama. Had a barbecue at friends and laughed myself to pieces. It was nice though because I haven't been with these people before. You know it's funny, you enter into this circle that has been formed long before you arrive, you feel your defenses going up very quickly, but I must admit they were a different kind of people. People who spoke to me as if they'd know me for ages.
Anyway I'm giving myself a mini makeover this afternoon so I can look stunning for the coming interviews!!
Sunday 26 August 2007
Change of plans
We were planning to go to the Caribbean festival this weekend like I mentioned earlier but there was a change in plans. This would’ve been my third attencance since I came to England but because of certain circumstances I decided not to attend. I almost did though.
This is what went wrong.
Two weeks ago I got a call from the ex. He sincerely asks me if I could help him. This year he wanted to sell some drinks at the carnival to make a little cash. You can get a special permit to sell. So I’m thinking. I’m a civil person, I don’t mind helping at the same time Naomi can get to spend time with him so I agree.
So today I show up as planned, at nine o’clock to be exact. I park my car far away from the carnival coz I know things can get a little rough and get on the phone to the ex to find out if he’s arrived. He answers in his lying tone! I’ve had years of practise to know when he’s lying about something, I always recognise it in his tone. My stomach churns. He tells me a long tale about how he’s struggling to get into the place and he’ll call me back. Phone cut! Okay then, I didn’t just drag my ass out of bed at 7a.m this morning for this shit so as I’m about to ring to let him know I’ll walk up and find him, right on cue he calls.
Him: I know I should’ve told you this earlier but I’m with the woman……..
Sirens naturally go off in my head- he’s with the woman I threw his ass out of the house for- and stupidly in a panic thought I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and temporarily asked him back (I plead insanity in this instance), but quickly got back to my senses and decided that it was better her than me.
Him:....I don't want you to get upset.........
Hah????????? I don't know what recreational substances he's taking but since when does he tell me how and how not to feel? The thing is though; this whole scenario was not my idea of spending my bank holiday facing the enemy. I don’t recall signing up to the Jerry Springer show and I don’t break bread with my enemies I’d rather burn in hell. For that reason I decided to switch off my phone, swing my key in the ignition, put car into gear and head back onto the motor way and take my beautiful self home. It’s not worth the drama!
Sorry that there will be no pictures to show, maybe next time.
This is what went wrong.
Two weeks ago I got a call from the ex. He sincerely asks me if I could help him. This year he wanted to sell some drinks at the carnival to make a little cash. You can get a special permit to sell. So I’m thinking. I’m a civil person, I don’t mind helping at the same time Naomi can get to spend time with him so I agree.
So today I show up as planned, at nine o’clock to be exact. I park my car far away from the carnival coz I know things can get a little rough and get on the phone to the ex to find out if he’s arrived. He answers in his lying tone! I’ve had years of practise to know when he’s lying about something, I always recognise it in his tone. My stomach churns. He tells me a long tale about how he’s struggling to get into the place and he’ll call me back. Phone cut! Okay then, I didn’t just drag my ass out of bed at 7a.m this morning for this shit so as I’m about to ring to let him know I’ll walk up and find him, right on cue he calls.
Him: I know I should’ve told you this earlier but I’m with the woman……..
Sirens naturally go off in my head- he’s with the woman I threw his ass out of the house for- and stupidly in a panic thought I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and temporarily asked him back (I plead insanity in this instance), but quickly got back to my senses and decided that it was better her than me.
Him:....I don't want you to get upset.........
Hah????????? I don't know what recreational substances he's taking but since when does he tell me how and how not to feel? The thing is though; this whole scenario was not my idea of spending my bank holiday facing the enemy. I don’t recall signing up to the Jerry Springer show and I don’t break bread with my enemies I’d rather burn in hell. For that reason I decided to switch off my phone, swing my key in the ignition, put car into gear and head back onto the motor way and take my beautiful self home. It’s not worth the drama!
Sorry that there will be no pictures to show, maybe next time.
Friday 24 August 2007
One day at a time
We've had beautiful weather the past two days I refused to stay indoors. Yesterday we got back home late afternoon after spending the first half in and out of our local town and the rest at a local park. We had a little picnic and Naomi had a few rides and then we took a stride under the tall trees playing "I Spy". Too tired to lift a finger I couldn't bring anything up to write. I thought about posting one of my poems but I just felt so relaxed I just went with the flow and lay on my bed lazing about and reading a book.
It's been lovely and hopefully the weekend is going to do the same. We are going the a Caribbean festival over the bank holiday. I promise- that's if I don't forget the camera- to take some lovely pictures and post them on Tuesday!
Finally, as I was enjoy this beautiful weather I had this song playing in my head and wanted to share it with you.
It's been lovely and hopefully the weekend is going to do the same. We are going the a Caribbean festival over the bank holiday. I promise- that's if I don't forget the camera- to take some lovely pictures and post them on Tuesday!
Finally, as I was enjoy this beautiful weather I had this song playing in my head and wanted to share it with you.
Wednesday 22 August 2007
Not worth the drama
My eyes are watering and my nose is running because I happen to put my big nose into the yellow dandelions Naomi had presented to me. (She really believes they are flowers as strongly as she believes in the tooth fairy that only gives notes) I had my nose or should I say the flowers up my nose because I'm guilt ridden by what had happened earlier today. But I see Karma has balanced out my actions.
We were on our way out the door, Naomi, baby Anabelle and I. I have to refer to this doll as a real person if I want a good nights sleep. Anyway, just as I'm about to leave Naomi pips "Can we take her pram."
Now I'm thinking, that means going upstairs, folding the dam thing, back downstairs, then into the boot, then when arriving at the shops opening boot, open up pram, time wasted while strapping baby Anabelle then wheeling her all the way around town so I say.
"No"
Then we get into the WHY debate which takes longer than it's suppose to because she really doesn't care about my reasons. She just wants to get her pram and that's the end of it. So she sits herself down on the stairs folded arms and starts her peaceful demonstration. Defeated- because I know that if I want to get out within the next hour- I rush upstairs and get the pram. As I wheel it out the bedroom, it's wheels wobbling all over the place, it wasn't looking good. To which I yell downstairs.
"Your pram is broken. I don't have time to sort it out." I quickly rush back downstairs hoping that this would be understood, open the door and ask miss Naomi to peacefully get into the car.
She decides that the peaceful demo has to take a different direction so she screams, almost popping my eardrum as well as the neighbours. I breath to calm down but I see that I'm getting no where and storm back upstairs and back down with the pram and throw it into the boot and yell.
"Get in the car or would you like to drive the car!" WHAT?????
Sometimes it's just not worth it. I could have just taken the trouble and let her take the pram, What was the big deal.
So as a peace treaty I decided to poke my nose into those weeds and gained a runny nose and runny eyes. Happy days!
We were on our way out the door, Naomi, baby Anabelle and I. I have to refer to this doll as a real person if I want a good nights sleep. Anyway, just as I'm about to leave Naomi pips "Can we take her pram."
Now I'm thinking, that means going upstairs, folding the dam thing, back downstairs, then into the boot, then when arriving at the shops opening boot, open up pram, time wasted while strapping baby Anabelle then wheeling her all the way around town so I say.
"No"
Then we get into the WHY debate which takes longer than it's suppose to because she really doesn't care about my reasons. She just wants to get her pram and that's the end of it. So she sits herself down on the stairs folded arms and starts her peaceful demonstration. Defeated- because I know that if I want to get out within the next hour- I rush upstairs and get the pram. As I wheel it out the bedroom, it's wheels wobbling all over the place, it wasn't looking good. To which I yell downstairs.
"Your pram is broken. I don't have time to sort it out." I quickly rush back downstairs hoping that this would be understood, open the door and ask miss Naomi to peacefully get into the car.
She decides that the peaceful demo has to take a different direction so she screams, almost popping my eardrum as well as the neighbours. I breath to calm down but I see that I'm getting no where and storm back upstairs and back down with the pram and throw it into the boot and yell.
"Get in the car or would you like to drive the car!" WHAT?????
Sometimes it's just not worth it. I could have just taken the trouble and let her take the pram, What was the big deal.
So as a peace treaty I decided to poke my nose into those weeds and gained a runny nose and runny eyes. Happy days!
Tuesday 21 August 2007
The torture of indecision
I'm standing at a cross roads in my life and I need to make a decision. I'm not sure I'm ready to make it but the indecision is putting unnecessary stress on me. I've been here before, it so familiar and I know that eventually the ball really is in my court because I'm the only one in charge of my life.
You know when you don't really want to make a decision you kinda like look for every excuse in the book not to do it. Or you ask for advice for which you already know the answer to. That's were I am and I'm so aware of it that it's not the decision but the indecision that is causing me pain. I've weighed all my options, I've calculated my advantages and disadvantages and all of these head in one direction, to the decision I don't really want to make. It's okay to see the reasons but I don't yet understand them. The fact is I will come to a decision eventually and either way I will have to go through some sort of drama but which one will I come out feeling better about myself. Well, that I can only decided. I'm not my thoughts, although my thoughts bring about my actions, I'm more than that thought. If I let myself be defined by a thought then I'd be one hell of a beast but I allow them then let them go and make a decision that not always is in my best interest. Because I'm human and sometimes shit happens and that's okay.
I will foucus on positive thinking, but I will also allow myself to be human, because sometimes I just can't be a robot of perfection. So this big decision is still lingering about in my mind. Can't ignore it because somehow either the energy will change and force me to make a decision or I'll just get tired of living in indecisiveness. When that happens I'll be sure to let you know, but in the mean time I will continue to be human and continue to be tortured by these demons of indecision, trusting I'll figure it out eventually!
Monday 20 August 2007
Visit to the doctor
On with the cardigan then off again, a sneeze here then another sneeze there. A little cough. Ouch that hurt right there between the ribs.
"You must be coming down with something." said the Dr.
"You don't say!" Well not in words just in my mind. It's pretty much why I made the appointment. I'm not feeling well.
"How do you pronounce your name?" squints at the computer screen.
"LINDIWE." I smile and wait for her to parrot my name back to me. Not many people call me by my full name not even my family. They call me Lindy, or Li or Linde. The only person who does call me Lindiwe and that will be a rare occasion, well it hardly likely these days, would be my mother, and that would mean I was in shite!
Anyway she tries her best and I give her two stars for effort then go on to explain my symptoms. Honestly at times I felt as though I was telling a fib.
"You're not pregnant?"
I giggle a little and wonder why it always boils down the the same question. If I must say pregnancy is a absolute no, no. I can't feel any bumps or blows to my head,see any suspicious needle holes, or times or dates I can't recall. I've been fully conscious since the day I was born.
She smiles at me oddly as if she can read my thoughts. Then focuses on Naomi for a bit. She brought her baby Anabella with her. The one with real tears. For goodness sake, the doll has been cry, burping loudly, sleeping, oohing and aahing and I really can't take much more.
"What's your baby's name?" the Dr asks.
"uuuuu,,uummmm Sarah" Naomi smiles shyly and looks over at me. I silently mouth Switch Off!
Doctor looks back at me, I smile, then back to Naomi.
"How is she today?"
"She's poorly"
Lord! The doll's getting more attention than I am.
BLAH ,BLAH BLAH for a few more seconds than it's back to me.
I lie down on the exam table and get the usual,
Heart rate? Check! Blood pressure? Check! Eyes,mouth? Check!
Next its a tight armband around my tiny biceps- feeling like a real heroine addict ready for a fix as she taps centre of my arm and a nice juicy vein appears. In goes the sharp needle and I'm washed over by nausea! I will be no good at taking drugs intravenously. And finally it was a trip to the loo.
Conclusion- I'll have to go back in next Tuesday. Advice- Get lots of rest it sounds as though I'm coming down with a flu. And drink lots of fluid. Booohoo- No drugs?
So off we went Naomi and I and burping baby Anabelle and I still feel as though nothing was really solved.
"You must be coming down with something." said the Dr.
"You don't say!" Well not in words just in my mind. It's pretty much why I made the appointment. I'm not feeling well.
"How do you pronounce your name?" squints at the computer screen.
"LINDIWE." I smile and wait for her to parrot my name back to me. Not many people call me by my full name not even my family. They call me Lindy, or Li or Linde. The only person who does call me Lindiwe and that will be a rare occasion, well it hardly likely these days, would be my mother, and that would mean I was in shite!
Anyway she tries her best and I give her two stars for effort then go on to explain my symptoms. Honestly at times I felt as though I was telling a fib.
"You're not pregnant?"
I giggle a little and wonder why it always boils down the the same question. If I must say pregnancy is a absolute no, no. I can't feel any bumps or blows to my head,see any suspicious needle holes, or times or dates I can't recall. I've been fully conscious since the day I was born.
She smiles at me oddly as if she can read my thoughts. Then focuses on Naomi for a bit. She brought her baby Anabella with her. The one with real tears. For goodness sake, the doll has been cry, burping loudly, sleeping, oohing and aahing and I really can't take much more.
"What's your baby's name?" the Dr asks.
"uuuuu,,uummmm Sarah" Naomi smiles shyly and looks over at me. I silently mouth Switch Off!
Doctor looks back at me, I smile, then back to Naomi.
"How is she today?"
"She's poorly"
Lord! The doll's getting more attention than I am.
BLAH ,BLAH BLAH for a few more seconds than it's back to me.
I lie down on the exam table and get the usual,
Heart rate? Check! Blood pressure? Check! Eyes,mouth? Check!
Next its a tight armband around my tiny biceps- feeling like a real heroine addict ready for a fix as she taps centre of my arm and a nice juicy vein appears. In goes the sharp needle and I'm washed over by nausea! I will be no good at taking drugs intravenously. And finally it was a trip to the loo.
Conclusion- I'll have to go back in next Tuesday. Advice- Get lots of rest it sounds as though I'm coming down with a flu. And drink lots of fluid. Booohoo- No drugs?
So off we went Naomi and I and burping baby Anabelle and I still feel as though nothing was really solved.
Sunday 19 August 2007
Random Ramblings!
We'd been planning to go to the flea market this morning, but surprise surprise it was raining. That's English weather for you. So I stood gazing out of the living room feeling deflated and my eyes all misty. I've been acting very strange lately, reason I mention this because of the misty eye thing. I have a doctors appointment for 10:30 tomorrow morning hopefully she will shed some light on this behaviour.
The past couple days I haven't been myself. I've been moody lately. Nausea and dizziness struck me on Friday, told a friend who jokingly said that maybe I was pregnant. To which I laughed, unless she wasn't letting me in on something -like I'd been knocked unconscious and artificially inseminated with god knows what- then there is really no chance of that happening. But I've had all these strange symptoms:
Crazy cravings for Junk food
Dizzy spells
Excessive tiredness
Serious and unnecessary irritations- I felt my toes curl as I heard the musical ice cream van zoom past my house for what seemed like the fifth time today. (Who wants ice-cream in the pouring rain?)
Then there was the loud banging and profanities being spewed from a man two doors away. Effing at his girlfriend for effing locking him out of the house. Now this is where the bleeps usually come in because the following words are too damaging for the ears, well in this case, for the sight. So he was loudly BLEEP!......Bleep!....... Bleeping away and I choose to suspend judgement just for a moment,honestly, because not so long a go I was ramming the sharpest part of my keys into my ex's fleshy shoulders bleeping the same sort of profanities.
The thing is, when you're in the thick of it. In the zone. Your reasoning mind seems to go out with the trash and madness takes over. And you just don't seem to care how many sleeping cats you happen wake up in the process, or how many descent people you offend while they're peacefully trying to walk their dogs. Your heart is being squeezed like a sponge, which probably hurts like hell and nothing and no one matters in that moment. So I sympathise with foul mouth man standing outside his own home in the pouring rain. And remember how human we are but I also asked God to strike me down with lightening if I ever behaved in such a degrading manner again.
Finally I decided to block out these shouts with my daughters headphones and listen to some good music to calm my irrational mood. And thank goodness I'm not the one out in the pouring rain!
The past couple days I haven't been myself. I've been moody lately. Nausea and dizziness struck me on Friday, told a friend who jokingly said that maybe I was pregnant. To which I laughed, unless she wasn't letting me in on something -like I'd been knocked unconscious and artificially inseminated with god knows what- then there is really no chance of that happening. But I've had all these strange symptoms:
Crazy cravings for Junk food
Dizzy spells
Excessive tiredness
Serious and unnecessary irritations- I felt my toes curl as I heard the musical ice cream van zoom past my house for what seemed like the fifth time today. (Who wants ice-cream in the pouring rain?)
Then there was the loud banging and profanities being spewed from a man two doors away. Effing at his girlfriend for effing locking him out of the house. Now this is where the bleeps usually come in because the following words are too damaging for the ears, well in this case, for the sight. So he was loudly BLEEP!......Bleep!....... Bleeping away and I choose to suspend judgement just for a moment,honestly, because not so long a go I was ramming the sharpest part of my keys into my ex's fleshy shoulders bleeping the same sort of profanities.
The thing is, when you're in the thick of it. In the zone. Your reasoning mind seems to go out with the trash and madness takes over. And you just don't seem to care how many sleeping cats you happen wake up in the process, or how many descent people you offend while they're peacefully trying to walk their dogs. Your heart is being squeezed like a sponge, which probably hurts like hell and nothing and no one matters in that moment. So I sympathise with foul mouth man standing outside his own home in the pouring rain. And remember how human we are but I also asked God to strike me down with lightening if I ever behaved in such a degrading manner again.
Finally I decided to block out these shouts with my daughters headphones and listen to some good music to calm my irrational mood. And thank goodness I'm not the one out in the pouring rain!
Friday 17 August 2007
Favourite music
Winding down to the weekend I wanted to share two of my favourite songs with you. The first one is by Jill Scott. I'm trying to live by what she say's but also acknowledge that I'm human and it is a learning process. Please take time to enjoy!
The second track is by India Arie, I love this song. It's two months away from being a year since I separated and it feels as though I've climbed mount Everest and now get the feel of exhilaration that it has been accomplished. After so many years of trying to be where I am now I have finally found my way and I've never stopped believing in love. Please enjoy and have a lovely weekend!
The second track is by India Arie, I love this song. It's two months away from being a year since I separated and it feels as though I've climbed mount Everest and now get the feel of exhilaration that it has been accomplished. After so many years of trying to be where I am now I have finally found my way and I've never stopped believing in love. Please enjoy and have a lovely weekend!
Thursday 16 August 2007
What the heck!
Bloody hell, its after five and I've been staring at the screen since three this afternoon. It's not that I don't have anything to write, it's just that I'd so many things I wanted to write my head feels as if there's a constant ringing and my body feels like lead. I didn't like the postman this morning. If I'd a dog I'd have set it on him to target his rear. Not because he brought me stomach churning post, but because he slightly scratched the car's rear with the gate! The car that I've been planning to burn.
We got out for a bit in what let me see.........four days. Feel like I've been hibernating. I've just been growing horns and laying eggs at home. The weather not giving me a good enough reason to go out either. But since I was beginning to realise that if we didn't get back into the world soon there might be cause for concern from neighbours that we are from a different planet.
Happy to be out in the open air we got a bit too carried away and got high on junk food that has probably contributed to the brain freeze I got this afternoon, staring at the computer for two hours. We did a Library visit, topped up on the books and went to the post office to send off another script(fingers crossed). Now I mention this because it's my first day out in four days, somebody's got to recognise? Not!
I'm standing at the front line waiting for the two counter ladies to finish topping up on their daily gossip. I wondered why they're whispering, it's not like I'm going to TELL the unfortunate soul whose ears must be ringing, I just want to get on with it. I do the usual sighing, no response. Then I gaze at my pretend watch, do the little shaking of the head, still no response. Right foot starts tapping involuntarily, lips pursed together and move up to left side, teeth clenched. This gossip seems way to juicy to stop and serve the hibernator. Then I humm a meaningless tune and finally the one with the dark red hair, matching lips and who will soon be needing a visit to the nearest Spec Savers screeches "Next!" Nothing stuns me anymore except myself.
So my brain has kinda unfrozen, but I decided to put aside what I'd planned to write to the back of my mind. Maybe next time, I don't really feel like trying to bring it forward anyway!
We got out for a bit in what let me see.........four days. Feel like I've been hibernating. I've just been growing horns and laying eggs at home. The weather not giving me a good enough reason to go out either. But since I was beginning to realise that if we didn't get back into the world soon there might be cause for concern from neighbours that we are from a different planet.
Happy to be out in the open air we got a bit too carried away and got high on junk food that has probably contributed to the brain freeze I got this afternoon, staring at the computer for two hours. We did a Library visit, topped up on the books and went to the post office to send off another script(fingers crossed). Now I mention this because it's my first day out in four days, somebody's got to recognise? Not!
I'm standing at the front line waiting for the two counter ladies to finish topping up on their daily gossip. I wondered why they're whispering, it's not like I'm going to TELL the unfortunate soul whose ears must be ringing, I just want to get on with it. I do the usual sighing, no response. Then I gaze at my pretend watch, do the little shaking of the head, still no response. Right foot starts tapping involuntarily, lips pursed together and move up to left side, teeth clenched. This gossip seems way to juicy to stop and serve the hibernator. Then I humm a meaningless tune and finally the one with the dark red hair, matching lips and who will soon be needing a visit to the nearest Spec Savers screeches "Next!" Nothing stuns me anymore except myself.
So my brain has kinda unfrozen, but I decided to put aside what I'd planned to write to the back of my mind. Maybe next time, I don't really feel like trying to bring it forward anyway!
Tuesday 14 August 2007
Just for today
Today I woke up feeling like an alien. Although I haven't uttered a single word of martian or whatever language aliens speak, I felt as though I was having an out of body experience and I don't mean this in a bad way. In a very good way. When I got up this morning I felt dam good about nothing. I just felt this deep sense of knowing that I'm okay and that I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be at this time. You see I haven't felt like this, like ever. It is so alien to me to feel this good I'm almost tempted to start to look for reasons to start feeling bad again because feeling bad is so familiar to me I was beginning to feel as though good is a bad thing.
Even my daughter woke up feeling like snow white, and rightfully so! Life is beautiful and we should live out our fairy tales (although I'm not so sure I want to be an alien, big head and big black eyes are not very appealing) Just for today I don't just want to exist I want to live. Tomorrow is another day it will look after itself. Living in the now, "It's bloody raining outside!" Yes, what am I on? I'm going off topic but that's part of living isn't it! Feeling everything without excusing it, explaining it. Allowing it without harming or causing discomfort to anything or anyone.
May your days be great, and may you feel the fullness of love through every single thing that you do. At the end of the day that is all that really matters. Love!
Monday 13 August 2007
Point taken!
I’ve finally decided to take my head out of my backside and taken a good look to actually see the reality of my situation. It seems as though I’ll be going it alone.
I read a quote by Albert Einstein: Peace is not achieved through force but through understanding.
And my understanding of this is, which I read in "It's called breakup because its broken" That says "Even with all the chicken mayonnaise in the world you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit!" POINT TAKEN! PEACE ACHIEVED!
So I decided to trail through my bills that had been piling up on my fridge and spent the whole morning on the phone with creditors negotiating, I did manage to get charges refunded and I’ve found a solicitor who will take it from there for me. I don’t think I could keep up with the threats and the phone calls. And now that I seem to be in this alone, I had no choice but to involve a third party.
Besides my financial battles everything else seems to be in order, we both have our health and that is what I’m grateful for today. I've sent out another bunch of job applications and hopefully someone will have the courtesy to reply even if it's a negative.
So at the end of the day what have I learnt. That it's okay to kick ass! No, seriously I’ve learnt that its time I started putting my needs on top of the priority list from now on. And stop excusing or accepting behaviour that only brings me down and makes me behave in ways I wouldn’t usually do!
I read a quote by Albert Einstein: Peace is not achieved through force but through understanding.
And my understanding of this is, which I read in "It's called breakup because its broken" That says "Even with all the chicken mayonnaise in the world you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit!" POINT TAKEN! PEACE ACHIEVED!
So I decided to trail through my bills that had been piling up on my fridge and spent the whole morning on the phone with creditors negotiating, I did manage to get charges refunded and I’ve found a solicitor who will take it from there for me. I don’t think I could keep up with the threats and the phone calls. And now that I seem to be in this alone, I had no choice but to involve a third party.
Besides my financial battles everything else seems to be in order, we both have our health and that is what I’m grateful for today. I've sent out another bunch of job applications and hopefully someone will have the courtesy to reply even if it's a negative.
So at the end of the day what have I learnt. That it's okay to kick ass! No, seriously I’ve learnt that its time I started putting my needs on top of the priority list from now on. And stop excusing or accepting behaviour that only brings me down and makes me behave in ways I wouldn’t usually do!
Sunday 12 August 2007
Time to heal
Carrying on with my quest for just being today I managed a little lie in for longer than usual. I even had a bath without any disturbance which was awesome and some time to actually reflect on my life. For some reason I can't get 2002 &2003 out of my mind. I've been ignoring it for months now, but as I tried to have a relaxing bath feelings of anger and sadness wash over me. I begin to cry at first I don't understand why but then I remember that it was in this period we lost our brother. He was murdered and I remember on getting the news I felt as though someone had just landed a fist into my stomach and I was too astonished to cry or do anything about it. It was a period when I'd left my spouse several times and at the same time finding out that I was pregnant, and later miscarrying at 16 weeks.
I was crying because I never felt that I'd given myself the chance to really grieve the losses in my life. I cried because when I was admitted to the hospital I was treated like a statistic and not like a human being who not only was in pain but had just lost her baby. And this is South Africa, a country where we believe in Ubuntu (Human kindness). But at the time I felt as though I didn't matter and being shouted at for feeling pain just makes me cry.
I let go of all this pain and let it run out with my bath water and now I'm putting it on this blog and letting it go out into the universe. I'm only searching for what everybody else is searching for. The acknowledgement of my existence. That I'm here and that I matter and that my pain is just as real as everyone else's. It can't be graded by class or race. By where I work or what I do. Each and everyone of us deal with our pains differently but that doesn't make us any less or more than anyone else.
So today in my little quiet moment I take this time to heal. To acknowledge that yes it hurts like hell and that now it's time to let it go and move on into a beautiful future that is waiting for me!
I was crying because I never felt that I'd given myself the chance to really grieve the losses in my life. I cried because when I was admitted to the hospital I was treated like a statistic and not like a human being who not only was in pain but had just lost her baby. And this is South Africa, a country where we believe in Ubuntu (Human kindness). But at the time I felt as though I didn't matter and being shouted at for feeling pain just makes me cry.
I let go of all this pain and let it run out with my bath water and now I'm putting it on this blog and letting it go out into the universe. I'm only searching for what everybody else is searching for. The acknowledgement of my existence. That I'm here and that I matter and that my pain is just as real as everyone else's. It can't be graded by class or race. By where I work or what I do. Each and everyone of us deal with our pains differently but that doesn't make us any less or more than anyone else.
So today in my little quiet moment I take this time to heal. To acknowledge that yes it hurts like hell and that now it's time to let it go and move on into a beautiful future that is waiting for me!
Saturday 11 August 2007
Simply be
It's been so quiet with mum and niece gone and Naomi away at her dad's for the weekend I can hear the beating of my own heart and the constant growling of my stomach. Which is something I can't ignore for very long. Besides going out to the supermarket to get a few things and chatting to a guy who tried to convince me to switch from my electric company to theirs because it's lot cheaper -aren't they all - there really wasn't much I could do with myself. Its funny though, how I always try to avoid these sales reps and always get noticed. I could be in a crowd of people and I always find myself being singled me out. No matter how much I tried to avoid them.
Not so long ago, I was coming from an interview in Leeds, I was walking in the fast crowd and out comes this lady. Short, stout, greasy brown hair, and says, "You know you gonna 'ave long life."
I looked at her and wondered why, why me? She pulled me aside and began to run her hand over my palm.
"You come from broken marriage, yes?"
I nod cautiously, I mean I have no lines of wedding rings on my fingers.
"You live in own home?"
Lucky guess!
"Your mum not been feeling too well lately?"
I honestly couldn't say
"You've been really sad these past months?"
I ask her how does she know this.
"I'm a real gypsy." is her response.
Right! And I'm a belly dancer. I really feel the need to go but she insists she tell me my fortune- which I must say I got for free. She asked my to buy a lucky charm and I simply said NO! But she continued to tell me that I'd be travelling in September- Please! I've no intention of travel. Then she reckons I shouldn't push love away- like hello, love is no where near me at the moment. She sees three children in my life, which I laugh at, no more children for me. She asks me about the initials LRJ. I don't have a clue except the L could be my name. After that she let me get on my way.
This all came back to me while I was in the car thinking about the guy who tried to get me to switch electric companies. I was just wondering why I always have a radar to attract people in my life. I won't tell you all the weird stories about the people I've met who have come up to me in the middle of no where, most of them not sales people just general people with general messages or a chat. And I realised that I didn't need a reason. I just needed to simply be in the moment and accept whatever gifts that are brought to me.
So when I got home I allowed myself to be, went upstairs and lay down with my book and tried to read but that didn't last long.... I realised I'd fallen asleep when I was rudely woken up(Book still in hand) by a loud knock on my door.
"You order take away?"
I shake my head, feeling angry and a bit grumpy.
"We got call from you, yes this house?"
"Listen I didn't order take aways."
He turns way and leaves mumbling something.
So much for simply being!
Friday 10 August 2007
Missing you already
I promised myself that wouldn't cry. I was going to be strong but as I took this photo I felt myself chocking back the tears and just wanting them to come back home with me. I can't believe how fast time has flown. It felt like just yesterday when I got the text message from mum telling me that she, my sister and my niece were all coming to England for a visit. At the time I'd panicked, it's funny that I'm actually having a hard time letting go when I was afraid before they came.
This is how it went down just before they came
Time 4:30 a.m U.K time
5:30 a.m S.A time
Felt a vibration under my pillow. Shocked! Oh silly me its my mobile. What time is it? I squint I know its morning, but I know it's not really waking up time. 4:30! Bloody hell....heart starts racing, messages this early can only mean bad news. I scroll through message with a racing heart and shaky hands.
Message: Hi its mum. We're coming down to England next weekend, it will be good to see you after a long while.
Heart rate gains momentum- feeling sick. Haven't really said much about separation, yes I've mentioned it but dates and departures had all been a fib. Not mentioned the unemployment thing either. I'm toast!
Get up, fingers too numb to reply message- let it go maybe she's bluffing.
The weekend
While in the middle of catching up on Grey's Autonomy- mobile rings.
Me: Hello?
It's us we've just arrived we're at London Heathrow.
Me: Hah??????????
We're on our way to Manchester to see sisters in -laws first, probably speak to you later tonight!
Me: Yes okay....yes okay......bye
Usual panic rush to fridge- No contents. Pace up and down the stairs- don't worry daughter not around to see display of such madness!
Next Morning
Ringing mobile
Me: Hello?
Baby not feeling too well think its the travelling. We'll have to postponed coming to you for a few days.
Me: Sorry to hear that. (More time for me to make a plan)
Next day after school drop off - three point turn clutch incident- remember? The bleeping cars and flicking lights. Car into garage for repairs. Hopefully working in a couple of days- no such luck and guess what. Mobile rings two days later.
Family: We're at the coach station we'll be Leeds in an hour!
Me (Ringing sounds going off in my head)
Family: Hello Lindy are your there?
Me : Yes, Leeds an hour. See you there.
It never rains for me it bloody pours. No car, time to try and call in a few favours.
The Ex- Nope can't help car has no road tax, can't risk it.....blah blah blah
The friend- Car temperamental- it suffers from permanent brake light fever.....whatever that means so that one out the window.
Other friend- Ah..... working the night shift all night....will be a safety hazard to us all.
Taxi? Fifty quid to and from Leeds. Fifty quid...... Well then public transport it is.
This whole saga became so blown out of proportion I'd forgotten what was important. My Family. They had travelled across the oceans to see me and all I was focusing on were my immediate needs. But I tell you what, I got through it and not only did I get through it I had family who supported me during one of the hardest times in my life. I had been lonely for quiet a while, feeling as though my life just wasn't moving forward but having them around me took that away and suddenly all these other things weren't that important. They were.
I miss you guys already and thank you dear niece for spicing up my life for letting me know that the living room doesn't always have to be neat!
For your countless fashion tips!
For being a sister..........
.............and for all the seat belt sagas. I will miss you guys and I hope to see you soon.
I love u!!
Wednesday 8 August 2007
Get up and keep on going!
On the wrong side of the bed? Is that what you say when you wake up with one of those not so good moods. I really don't have a wrong side on my bed- well if I did I gather it's on the right side because that is where I found myself this morning. On the wrong side of the bed. Feeling like the world is on my shoulders- god knows I hate mornings like these so I usually try to get myself out of this funk by getting onto my step machine and giving it a good thirty minutes.
So I managed to conquer half my troubles, feeling better some what but I have this love hate relationship with the post man. On the one hand I want him to come so that I can know the fate of the two scripts I sent out about four weeks ago and another one which I sent out two months ago, but on the other hand if he delivers bad news like more bills which I notice are gathering onto the fridge -I just can't deal with right now- I don't want him shoving the post through my door.
Today he's early, I heard the letters drop through the letter box from my bedroom. My stomach does it's usual churns of anxiety. I take deep breaths and I can hear my daughter Naomi racing up the steps to deliver my post. She's got them behind her back, I need to guess how many letters I've got to day.
"Three!" I try to smile to keep the atmosphere light even though I can feel my heart racing. She shakes her head and smiles cunningly as she produces five letters. My heart sinks, I recognise the big white A4 envelop, it has my handwriting on it. A REJECTION! I don't care about the other letters now, they'll probably land on the kitchen top - which I'll have to get to sooner than later- but right now I open the envelope and read. The agent is very brief - not really what he's looking for, I shouldn't give up hope, there are as many opinions as there are agents to read your work and a web address with a listing of other agents.
Rejection is always painful no matter how it's presented. I did fling the letter away for a bit and let my emotions take over for a while. I sat on my bed and marinated in self pity. Then it occurred to me that maybe he was right. He may not have been the right agent for me.
I love this quote by Thomas Alva Edison
"I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
That said it all for me. If I let this one rejection stop me from pursuing my dreams then I will be accepting defeat so easily. So I'm parcelling up the script again tonight and in a day or two it will be landing on another agents desk.
So I managed to conquer half my troubles, feeling better some what but I have this love hate relationship with the post man. On the one hand I want him to come so that I can know the fate of the two scripts I sent out about four weeks ago and another one which I sent out two months ago, but on the other hand if he delivers bad news like more bills which I notice are gathering onto the fridge -I just can't deal with right now- I don't want him shoving the post through my door.
Today he's early, I heard the letters drop through the letter box from my bedroom. My stomach does it's usual churns of anxiety. I take deep breaths and I can hear my daughter Naomi racing up the steps to deliver my post. She's got them behind her back, I need to guess how many letters I've got to day.
"Three!" I try to smile to keep the atmosphere light even though I can feel my heart racing. She shakes her head and smiles cunningly as she produces five letters. My heart sinks, I recognise the big white A4 envelop, it has my handwriting on it. A REJECTION! I don't care about the other letters now, they'll probably land on the kitchen top - which I'll have to get to sooner than later- but right now I open the envelope and read. The agent is very brief - not really what he's looking for, I shouldn't give up hope, there are as many opinions as there are agents to read your work and a web address with a listing of other agents.
Rejection is always painful no matter how it's presented. I did fling the letter away for a bit and let my emotions take over for a while. I sat on my bed and marinated in self pity. Then it occurred to me that maybe he was right. He may not have been the right agent for me.
I love this quote by Thomas Alva Edison
"I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
That said it all for me. If I let this one rejection stop me from pursuing my dreams then I will be accepting defeat so easily. So I'm parcelling up the script again tonight and in a day or two it will be landing on another agents desk.
Tuesday 7 August 2007
What about what I want?
I often wonder how many times I've actually made decisions based on what I want and I've come up with very few. I beginning to think that this is why I've spent so many years being unhappy because I give into what other people have wanted for my life. When I ask myself what I really want, without thinking about the consequences, I know I want my own personal freedom. My space to just be.
Freedom to choose what I want to do with my life and taking full responsibility for the consequences. This feeling came about this after a disagreement about that dam rover with the ex. I want to let it go, he thinks I should keep it. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT! It's the little incidents like these that have big impacts on my relationships, someone once said that it's not always about me and that no man is an Island.That we need people in our lives, I couldn't agree more but I believe that I need the right type of people in my life.
The people who will stand with me no matter what I decide to do with my life.
The ones who will support my decisions even when they think I'm a little nuts.
The ones who let you know it's safe enough to cry in their presence and not make you feel like a weakling.
The ones who allow you to be human, who help you realise that we're not perfect and that we make mistakes and that it's okay, because as long as we are willing to learn from them we can become better people from the experience.
The ones who don't define us by what we do or say because they understand that we are so much more than our actions and the choices we make. These are the people I want more of in my life.
I have two important people like that in my life and I'm really sad that they have to be so far away from me.
First is my cousin Nandi who makes you feel like the most important person in the room. She's the type of person who wouldn't raise her eyebrows at you because you've just told her you've french kissed another girl -not that I have and nor am I planning to. The type of person who if you told her that you got up late today because last night you happened to be at a space party and you were getting it down with real green men with huge black eyes in red jump suites shooting down a few tequilas, may not believe you but won't make you feel like a total odd ball. Will accept where you're coming from without jeopardizing herself there by this action allowing you to see yourself as you really are and understanding that the space gig wasn't really necessary to cook up. Her action of acceptance therefore enabling you rectifying your statement because you still feel validated as a human being no matter what you say or do. This bringing out the best actions in you.
I spoke to her the past weekend, I was really in need of an upliftment about relationships. I've been having trouble with a friend and I wanted to know what to do about it. I felt as though I was being weak, a doormat for not standing up for myself. I was feeling as if the decisions I made, were who I was. I was rattling on about how I have to be strong and not take this kind of treatment, but then she said something very important that made me rethink my beliefs about myself and relationships - she said, relationships are not about strength they're about love. If you make decissions based on the belief you're being manipulated then you're making the decision based on your external circumstances and not from your own internal truth. You have to understand inside yourself why it is important to do something about the relationship in order to move forward. I got it!
Then there's my best friend Amanda she's the one who gets me. We speak the same language, love the same movies, curse the same idiots who hurt us, read the same books, get into spiritual modes at the same time, understand each others weaknesses. Telling her the truth doesn't land me silent treatment. Honestly being with her is like being with myself, we can laugh into midnight and not feel bad about it. Sleep till noon and be okay with it.
This is what I want more of in my life, to be with people who will up lifted me and not continue to push me down when I'm down or try to lift me up based on their terms and conditions. People who accept me when I'm up and when I'm down, if I have or if I'm without. This is what I truly want. Just to be free to be me!
Freedom to choose what I want to do with my life and taking full responsibility for the consequences. This feeling came about this after a disagreement about that dam rover with the ex. I want to let it go, he thinks I should keep it. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT! It's the little incidents like these that have big impacts on my relationships, someone once said that it's not always about me and that no man is an Island.That we need people in our lives, I couldn't agree more but I believe that I need the right type of people in my life.
The people who will stand with me no matter what I decide to do with my life.
The ones who will support my decisions even when they think I'm a little nuts.
The ones who let you know it's safe enough to cry in their presence and not make you feel like a weakling.
The ones who allow you to be human, who help you realise that we're not perfect and that we make mistakes and that it's okay, because as long as we are willing to learn from them we can become better people from the experience.
The ones who don't define us by what we do or say because they understand that we are so much more than our actions and the choices we make. These are the people I want more of in my life.
I have two important people like that in my life and I'm really sad that they have to be so far away from me.
First is my cousin Nandi who makes you feel like the most important person in the room. She's the type of person who wouldn't raise her eyebrows at you because you've just told her you've french kissed another girl -not that I have and nor am I planning to. The type of person who if you told her that you got up late today because last night you happened to be at a space party and you were getting it down with real green men with huge black eyes in red jump suites shooting down a few tequilas, may not believe you but won't make you feel like a total odd ball. Will accept where you're coming from without jeopardizing herself there by this action allowing you to see yourself as you really are and understanding that the space gig wasn't really necessary to cook up. Her action of acceptance therefore enabling you rectifying your statement because you still feel validated as a human being no matter what you say or do. This bringing out the best actions in you.
I spoke to her the past weekend, I was really in need of an upliftment about relationships. I've been having trouble with a friend and I wanted to know what to do about it. I felt as though I was being weak, a doormat for not standing up for myself. I was feeling as if the decisions I made, were who I was. I was rattling on about how I have to be strong and not take this kind of treatment, but then she said something very important that made me rethink my beliefs about myself and relationships - she said, relationships are not about strength they're about love. If you make decissions based on the belief you're being manipulated then you're making the decision based on your external circumstances and not from your own internal truth. You have to understand inside yourself why it is important to do something about the relationship in order to move forward. I got it!
Then there's my best friend Amanda she's the one who gets me. We speak the same language, love the same movies, curse the same idiots who hurt us, read the same books, get into spiritual modes at the same time, understand each others weaknesses. Telling her the truth doesn't land me silent treatment. Honestly being with her is like being with myself, we can laugh into midnight and not feel bad about it. Sleep till noon and be okay with it.
This is what I want more of in my life, to be with people who will up lifted me and not continue to push me down when I'm down or try to lift me up based on their terms and conditions. People who accept me when I'm up and when I'm down, if I have or if I'm without. This is what I truly want. Just to be free to be me!
Monday 6 August 2007
Lost the moment
I didn't think I would post anything today - well not exactly- I had something I was working on but I lost the moment. I'm actually having one of those what I call Sugar in fridge moments, well that's was what it was today. I gazed down at the breakfast cereals and swore I had the sugar a minute ago. My daughter and niece looked at me as though I needed to take looney pills when I asked them where the sugar was. Defeated I go over to the fridge to retrieve the milk and lo and behold the sugar, in the fridge and a pair of scissors. Scissors? now I'm not owning up to that one, I wasn't in need for a scissors this morning, I'll blame mum with that one. She's been with me for a few weeks on holiday from South Africa.
I didn't get to bed until two this morning, don't ask me why and I only got two hours sleep. Although she won't admit it I get the feeling mum's not feeling too well. She was up at four this morning, I could hear her going in and out of the toilet up and down the stairs. So by the time I tried to close my eyes the sun was already streaming through my curtains at 5am. So I tried to lie in a little longer and then the kids were up. For those of you with kids you know there are no lie ins. So I got on with it and as usual at about this time I get my inspiration on what I want to write about that day, and usually have it down after my bath.
But first it was attending to the girls, then I found myself vacuming the floors, then I was on a call to the ex, then it was mail through the door, that always throws my moment. Then the kids were bored and I had to do shopping anyway so I promised to take them to the Xscape for an outing after the shopping. So I put away my half written blog tittled "Defining moments" got my camera that I knew I'd leave behind which I did, on the kitchen counter and off we went about our day.
The girls had so much fun with games, I'm kicking myself now for leaving the camera I so much wanted to share the pictures with you. Mum went off to shop, leaving me with the girls, how nice. By two thirty I could tell it was time to go. My niece was starting to make odd requests, this is a sign shes ready for a nap.
Her first request was that she wanted to go on an aeroplane. Now that I just couldn't deliver.
Then she wanted an apple, that I could do once we found mum and got to the car.
Next she wanted a person..HAH????? She's wailing for a person, a person a person. Now I'm not one for dramatic theatre so I start to move faster through the crowd and head for the car, lucky mum had spotted us and comes to my rescue.
In the car - the seat belt saga
Now she doesn't want to be strapped- we should never! She wails, Should never touch her belt!
So we try negotiating with the enemy by offering her that once requested apple. Nope.....she's not having it.
Next we tried the threat tactic- I 2 3 count that did absolutely nothing.
Finally I decided it was time to engage with the enemy- this requires ear plugs and protective armour for oneself while strapping over the seat belt to which I own neither, but did it like pro and got the job done. The wails only lasted until I'd reversed and she was out like a light leaving us deaf and physically exhausted.
So when I got home, I head straight for my computer to get on with today's blog and it just wouldn't surface the way it had this morning. I sat on my bed, with my laptop on my lap willing it to come but nothing, and later found my self waking up with a hot laptop on my lap. I just could deliver today, well not like I wanted too.
I didn't get to bed until two this morning, don't ask me why and I only got two hours sleep. Although she won't admit it I get the feeling mum's not feeling too well. She was up at four this morning, I could hear her going in and out of the toilet up and down the stairs. So by the time I tried to close my eyes the sun was already streaming through my curtains at 5am. So I tried to lie in a little longer and then the kids were up. For those of you with kids you know there are no lie ins. So I got on with it and as usual at about this time I get my inspiration on what I want to write about that day, and usually have it down after my bath.
But first it was attending to the girls, then I found myself vacuming the floors, then I was on a call to the ex, then it was mail through the door, that always throws my moment. Then the kids were bored and I had to do shopping anyway so I promised to take them to the Xscape for an outing after the shopping. So I put away my half written blog tittled "Defining moments" got my camera that I knew I'd leave behind which I did, on the kitchen counter and off we went about our day.
The girls had so much fun with games, I'm kicking myself now for leaving the camera I so much wanted to share the pictures with you. Mum went off to shop, leaving me with the girls, how nice. By two thirty I could tell it was time to go. My niece was starting to make odd requests, this is a sign shes ready for a nap.
Her first request was that she wanted to go on an aeroplane. Now that I just couldn't deliver.
Then she wanted an apple, that I could do once we found mum and got to the car.
Next she wanted a person..HAH????? She's wailing for a person, a person a person. Now I'm not one for dramatic theatre so I start to move faster through the crowd and head for the car, lucky mum had spotted us and comes to my rescue.
In the car - the seat belt saga
Now she doesn't want to be strapped- we should never! She wails, Should never touch her belt!
So we try negotiating with the enemy by offering her that once requested apple. Nope.....she's not having it.
Next we tried the threat tactic- I 2 3 count that did absolutely nothing.
Finally I decided it was time to engage with the enemy- this requires ear plugs and protective armour for oneself while strapping over the seat belt to which I own neither, but did it like pro and got the job done. The wails only lasted until I'd reversed and she was out like a light leaving us deaf and physically exhausted.
So when I got home, I head straight for my computer to get on with today's blog and it just wouldn't surface the way it had this morning. I sat on my bed, with my laptop on my lap willing it to come but nothing, and later found my self waking up with a hot laptop on my lap. I just could deliver today, well not like I wanted too.
Sunday 5 August 2007
Living and Learning
EXHIBIT A (Five years old dressed in an old curtain and foster mums petticoat!)
EXHIBIT B (22yrs old, the real deal!)I've been going through old photograh's today and I realised that I've always wanted to be a bride ever since I can remember. (See Exhibit A) Now that I think of it -like Dr Phil says- I was always preparing for the wedding but never for the marriage. I was barely out of my teens when I married A afterall at the time he was a breath of fresh air.
I mean who could blame me after my going through my share of the usual suspects;
In chronological order
First there was the compulsive liar.
The steroid junkie
The beer belly with an incy wincy pencil -like are we done? -ewwwww what was I thinking, give me a moment...... (Index finger into mouth, straight down my throat) That's better.
The Rumba and kwasa kwasa lover (no disrespect to those music lovers but I couldn't deal with it 24/7
And last but not least before meeting A, the yellow toothed midget who didn't understand the invention of the toothbrush.
You've got to understand that in my short experience with the opposite sex it hadn't brought me any new revelations. So when A came into my life he was what I'd will normal, on the surface that was, by normal I mean, (See list below)
1)He didn't break into houses, pickpockets, hijack cars or sell drugs for a living
2) He didn't wear red shoes or rainbow coloured tops. (I'm sure my fellow African ladies can relate to this eye torturing attire.)
3)No gold teeth or tattoos.
4)And even though we both worked at the Mc Donald's, both young and stupid, both without any career guidance -story for another time- he was never a sweat wiping, nose picking and bum scratching while flipping burgers type of guy (believe me I've seen many).
Who wouldn't hear the ringing of wedding bells after that. (See Exhibit B). But who gets married at twenty two these days. It was just sad. But when you're a speed dater like I am, it was bound to happen and I missed so many things that only started to rear their ugly heads after I said I DO!
But honestly I did learn an awful lot from the eight years of being married like,
learning how to howl because I knew no other way to express my emotions.
How to use sex as a weapon of mass destruction.
Where to store the sharp knives in the kitchen.
Just to mention a few, but seriously though the most important thing I learnt out of the relationship, which you should note took me eight years to grasp. Was that I couldn't change who he was no matter what I did. Whether what he did was good or bad, if he wasn't willing to change that there wasn't a dam thing I could do about it. I had to make the choice whether I could live with this or not.
At the age of thirty I finally got it! I stopped the chasing and the controlling what was outside myself and realised that this relationship was just too painful and it was turning me into a bitch. I was trying too hard to ride a horse that had been dead ages ago. It was only when I finally accepted this truth did my life feel in control again, and although it hasn't been easy for once I'm not chasing after cars, breaking in to voice mail boxes or crying into the night like a lunatic. It's been one hell of a road to recovery but I've made it and boy does it feel good!
Saturday 4 August 2007
Oh so dramatic!
It just one of those days today when I need an explanation for life, a reason to feel upset a reason to understand. A need to work out why things had to happen the way they did. It's just a phase I go through. Today's phase: TIME. I feel enslaved by time, I feel that with it my life has been limited. I feel as though time is an illusion that is keeping me from living my full and free life.
I mean I'm beginning to wonder what it is that I fear the most about being unemployed. I'm on the look out everyday for a job but what is it that is driving me. I know with time I could loose everything I own, and that won't be wonderful but on the other hand I feel as if I'm loosing my freedom to the fear of not living to the expectations of others. Example: I'm paying a lower instalment on that no good Rover that is more trouble than it is worth. In reality I'm sinking deeper and deeper into debt and my freedom has been taken away. If I don't pay up on TIME, I could loose the car. What is my greatest fear?loosing the car? No. I look at the car and feel nothing but resentment, but when I look at the threats in the letters that's when I feel the fear.
How can my life be based on how much time is put on me? Forced into action by a threat of time limited on me. What's the worse that could happen, I won't drive for a while? So what, cars come and go. But this sense of dread is becoming unbearable.
What's really driving my fear is the sense of time, the restriction that has been put on me by someone else. I feel as though my energy is now invested in meeting that demand. Every part of my life has been enslaved by time, don't misunderstand me time is a good thing in it's right context. But when it is used to control and manipulate I feel as though I've lost my sense of freedom. Freedom I willingly gave up when I signed the credit agreement. Now there's no more judgement in that one, it's a done and dusted deal and time to move forward. And my moving forward is getting out of this feeling of fear that is strengthened by the force of time. Fear and freedom can't be lodge in the same place at the same time. It's one or the other
So if time is just an illusion, something created to control others. Then how would freeing myself benefit me. What would owning my time mean to me? To make that decision I'd be putting myself against alot of Resistance. If I decided to live by my own time without the restrictions would I really be free? Or would I just enslave myself to another form of fear? Rejection. What if I lived in a timeless world where I just let things happen, flow as they should do, would I be free? The price for true freedom is high, it means standing for what I believe in on my own for a very long TIME and sometimes getting on with life without. But if I didn't base anything on time then maybe it wouldn't feel that long. The feeling is only brought about by the sense of time.
None of us wait to die even though we know that it's going to happen at some point. We can't run from it and there are no guarantee's on when it will happen. Time has no power over it. Not all of us are guaranteed tomorrow or a long life, Our lives can be snapped up in a second and yet we continue to live in this freedom, this sense of that we are alive today. I don't personally wake up every morning counting down how long I have left to live, in terms of years that is-except when reminded on birthdays that life is knocking on- I just get up and get on with living. If the living for today was applied to all aspects of my life, then time wouldn't have the enslaving effect it's having on me right now. If I could use time to my advantage and be in the moment and not as a controlling element, then my life would be free and it would be glorious.
So after thinking this through and telling myself yet another life's "what if's" I've decided it's time to let go of the Rover.
Time to its advantage is knowing when it's time to let go. Time to it's disadvantage is when it's the driving force of your unhappiness. At least I think so!
Friday 3 August 2007
How I hate this car!
ROVER ZT I.8 03 RegIt's been a year since my ex convinced me to purchase this piece of sh#t! No disrespect to Rover lovers, but I've never experienced so many problems with one car in my entire life. Today the engine was giving a rattling sound. It's not that I didn't get the tingling sensation, while deciding whether or not to buy the car. I remember feeling my stomach churn as I scribbled my final signature on the agreement and sentenced myself to a lifetime of misery. I knew somewhere deep inside me that this car was not meant to be. But did I listen? Of course not, like most people I choose to stamp out those little warnings, ignore my sixth sense and go with the flow.
Two days after purchase the CD changer wouldn't work, so it went back in. Two months later - now this is a laugh- I was on my way to work in the not so great weather, stuck on the M62 between the Wakefield and Leeds exits. Doing my usual cursing at the truck drivers and snailing along with the traffic because there was yet another accident on the M62, the second one that week, when suddenly up goes the heat gauge, into the red zone. I panic and drive over to the road shoulder, switch off the car and get on my mobile to call the tow service.
It's about to rain, and I've to vacate my car for safety reasons, I hope you're getting the picture here. I don't want you to think that I have this crazy hate relationship with my Rover for no good reason. Anyway, the Rover and I are wheeled away thirty minutes later- back to the car dealer and finally to the garage- Verdict- Blown head gasket! Excellent!
That was it's first strike. The second time it did a whammy on me, I was at work. It was two months after the gasket thing. At 5pm I'm in my car, ready to pick up daughter from school. I swing the key in the ignition. NOTHING! In a panic I do it again. NADA! I bang my head against the steering wheel hoping that that will get it started but still, NOTHING! So I call upon my fellow colleagues as they stream out of the office to go home for help. They come up with all sorts of solutions- jumper cables, fuel check. I'm I sure my lights weren't on? HAH? In day light? So it was back to the towing company and the silly Rover ended back in the garage. Verdict-Damaged fuel pump.
Now you'd think by now that the stupid car would cut me some slack. After two days out of the garage, I'm driving to work happy to have the car back, singing along to R Kelly "I believe I can fly." Stop at work and......Lord have mercy! My cars on fire! Or so I thought, because now I really wished I could fly! I panic as usual, scramble out of the car and watch the smoke come from underneath the bonnet. I call on a work colleague who is bold enough to open the bonnet, I stand far back as possible and wait- Nothing, but water seemed to be sprayed all over the engine -Verdict, pipe near radiator that transport water leaking. Brilliant.
After that was sorted, the car decided to cut me some slack for at least six months. Running smoothly just up until two weeks ago. The car wouldn't go into gear. I struggled in the middle of the road looking like an idiot after trying to attempt a three point turn with a faulty gearbox, holding up an angry mob of traffic bleeping their horns and viciously flicking their lights at me. I wave an apology and cursed at the car and warned it to get into f#*ken gear, which it did after almost getting my head chopped off by the gathering traffic. Verdict- Master and slave cylinder and clutch plate Caput! Now do you see why I hate this car.
So today I wrote down some possible solutions:
1) I could Burn it, although that could risk arrest.
2)Abandon it - it will probably be traced back to me so that's no good either.
3)Sell it back to the dealer for so much less than it is worth - the offer was ridiculous.
Seriously though, where does this leave me? I can't turn back the clock and make a right decision, what I need is a way forward.
Thursday 2 August 2007
Wednesday 1 August 2007
Feeding the ducks
Its been a long three months without a job! I'm begining to wonder if it is ever going to happen. When I decided to leave my job I was going though a nasty separation and the company was not willing to raise my salary and therefore I'd not only struggle as a single parent on a low income, with child care costs but also feel unappriciated for all the hard work I'd put in.
The job would be coming to an end anyway in August and a lot of friends and family were begining to question whether I'd made the right decision, after all I could loose everything just because I wasn't prepared to settle for less than what I deserved.
There are times when I do wonder whether or not I've made the best decision. I mean I'm being chased down by creditors and the bank calls me everyday without fail, it's begining to feel like an old ex boyfriend who doesn't understand that it's over. I wish it were that simple. If I was given the chance to do it all over again, would I? My answer would be yes.
In the last three months I've spent more time with my daughter than I've ever had in her whole short six years. I've driven her to school, picked her up, gone to all her school events, I've never seen her this happy and content.
It's been a big change for both of us, and the separation hasn't been easy but I've been there. When I was working, she'd be dropped off at the breakfast club for 8:30a.m and then picked up from an after school club at 5:45. No way for a child to live who has to go through the downs of her parents failures.
What has happened to me in these three months can't be described in words. I have managed to keep food on our table and everything else going without even relying on unemployment benifits and I'm proud of it.
So we took a drive out to Fairburn today with my niece, to feed the birds and I felt okay. At peace even though the things around me seem to be falling apart, something deeper inside me feels okay. I observed the ducks and I had to smile. All they had to do is sit and wait and the food comes freely without them having to struggle or worry about where their next bread crumb will come from.That's how I feel today, like the ducks, knowing that no matter what happens I'll get through this, we both will!
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