Oh so dramatic!

It just one of those days today when I need an explanation for life, a reason to feel upset a reason to understand. A need to work out why things had to happen the way they did. It's just a phase I go through. Today's phase: TIME. I feel enslaved by time, I feel that with it my life has been limited. I feel as though time is an illusion that is keeping me from living my full and free life.

I mean I'm beginning to wonder what it is that I fear the most about being unemployed. I'm on the look out everyday for a job but what is it that is driving me. I know with time I could loose everything I own, and that won't be wonderful but on the other hand I feel as if I'm loosing my freedom to the fear of not living to the expectations of others. Example: I'm paying a lower instalment on that no good Rover that is more trouble than it is worth. In reality I'm sinking deeper and deeper into debt and my freedom has been taken away. If I don't pay up on TIME, I could loose the car. What is my greatest fear?loosing the car? No. I look at the car and feel nothing but resentment, but when I look at the threats in the letters that's when I feel the fear.



How can my life be based on how much time is put on me? Forced into action by a threat of time limited on me. What's the worse that could happen, I won't drive for a while? So what, cars come and go. But this sense of dread is becoming unbearable.




What's really driving my fear is the sense of time, the restriction that has been put on me by someone else. I feel as though my energy is now invested in meeting that demand. Every part of my life has been enslaved by time, don't misunderstand me time is a good thing in it's right context. But when it is used to control and manipulate I feel as though I've lost my sense of freedom. Freedom I willingly gave up when I signed the credit agreement. Now there's no more judgement in that one, it's a done and dusted deal and time to move forward. And my moving forward is getting out of this feeling of fear that is strengthened by the force of time. Fear and freedom can't be lodge in the same place at the same time. It's one or the other

So if time is just an illusion, something created to control others. Then how would freeing myself benefit me. What would owning my time mean to me? To make that decision I'd be putting myself against alot of Resistance. If I decided to live by my own time without the restrictions would I really be free? Or would I just enslave myself to another form of fear? Rejection. What if I lived in a timeless world where I just let things happen, flow as they should do, would I be free? The price for true freedom is high, it means standing for what I believe in on my own for a very long TIME and sometimes getting on with life without. But if I didn't base anything on time then maybe it wouldn't feel that long. The feeling is only brought about by the sense of time.

None of us wait to die even though we know that it's going to happen at some point. We can't run from it and there are no guarantee's on when it will happen. Time has no power over it. Not all of us are guaranteed tomorrow or a long life, Our lives can be snapped up in a second and yet we continue to live in this freedom, this sense of that we are alive today. I don't personally wake up every morning counting down how long I have left to live, in terms of years that is-except when reminded on birthdays that life is knocking on- I just get up and get on with living. If the living for today was applied to all aspects of my life, then time wouldn't have the enslaving effect it's having on me right now. If I could use time to my advantage and be in the moment and not as a controlling element, then my life would be free and it would be glorious.

So after thinking this through and telling myself yet another life's "what if's" I've decided it's time to let go of the Rover.



Time to its advantage is knowing when it's time to let go. Time to it's disadvantage is when it's the driving force of your unhappiness. At least I think so!