Thursday 20 September 2007

Count down

I feel the excitement mixed with fear building up as the day of my departure draws closer. I'll be flying over the Atlantic on Tuesday, what a wonderful thing that will be. It's all preparation this week, can barely make time to write a post and when I do I'm always exhausted.

I was thinking this morning about me traveling, it brought back what the fortune teller told me the day I walked back from my interview in Leeds (earlier post simply be), she'd said that I'd be flying over waters....well it seems she got that one right, she might be a fortune teller after all- that doesn't make me a belly dancer,I was bluffing - maybe she has something or maybe she made me believe and it sort of happened. Not sure really, doesn't really matter I just hope the thing about the three children stays a misinterpreted fortune.

Well tomorrow I'll be doing the last bits of my travel arrangements and then it's off to NYC. I promise to capture it's beauty. I won't forget the camera, that's a promise.

Tuesday 18 September 2007

I Wonder What Lies Ahead??

I spent the whole day on my laptop looking for hotels in NYC. Pricey like I expected but then again it's just one of those things.

I'm looking forward to going to an unknown place, exploring all possibilities meeting new people, people you never knew existed. I remember the first time I arrived at London Heathrow, I was filled with both fear and excitement. Just being in an unknown place wondering how life is and what would happen. I remember meeting a girl on the plane and teaming up with her to find our way around. We were soooo excited about getting the underground, on the tube we felt like children with new toys. Although we parted at Victoria station, I've never forgotten her.

At Victoria I realised that my next mode of transport would only set off the next morning and it was 12a.m at the time. I went out onto the buzzing streets of London. People everywhere at the time, a city that never sleeps and I met a girl who had come from France. It wasn't her first visit so she knew her way around. We spent the night snacking on high fat foods and black coffee to stay awake and keep warm. It was freezing, I'd chosen such a "perfect" time to land in England.

Anyway we spent the night walking between the train station and the coach station because I couldn't make up my dam mind which I preferred. And since she had nothing much to do herself until the next morning didn't mind my indecision. Fact- I was coming from SA, rand to pound ratio at the time was R10 equaled £1, so I had to go easy on the £200 I had. The train would cost £60 to Leeds and the bus was £20 at the time. Now you can imagine my dread, the down side to the cheap ride was that it would mean another 4hrs travelling after a night spent at a station and not to forget a ten hour flight. The train though was a quick two hours.

We chatted about it and we talked about living in the UK until 6am when the station opened and I wished her the best and headed to get my £60 train ticket (It was worth it). So I wonder what lies ahead for me in NYC, at least this time I'll have the exchange advantage and I've made better plans but it's still so exciting, I wonder who I'm going to meet!!!

Monday 17 September 2007

I have plans

I have a plan or I had a plan. My plan was to go to New York next week. I'd sourced out everything I needed to know and today I was on the verge on getting my ticket when I get a temp job offer! Why at this time, why when I'm feeling content with my life does this job suddenly have to spring up now and it's an immediate start.

I've recked my brain about it and tried not to seek advice outside myself. This decision has to be mine and mine alone. I want to take total responsibility for the actions I'm going to take. I know what my gut is saying verses my head. The reasoning mind is telling me to go for the job. I came across a blog http://opensourcemarketer.com/blog/ The article posted on the 20th August titled Do you ask why not me, gave me the answer I was looking for. I think I've made me decision.

There is a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I want change so I'll go the road less travelled and like Alice in wonderland see how far the rabbit hole goes.

Thursday 13 September 2007

Message from the subconscious

Two days in a row.....Honestly this must be some sort of a message or is it? Or is it a subconscious thing I'm bringing forward in my mind.

What am I on about???? Oh, well here's the thing. Yesterday morning I'm in the car about to take Naomi to school, put on the radio and I hear a song. It hits me, I loved it. In the afternoon, I'm driving to pick up Naomi, stop at the garage to top up on fuel and when I drive out I put on the radio and the exact same song is playing again. Same song. Same day! Coincidence Maybe.

Now here's why I'm writing about this. Got up this morning and like all mornings before I do anything I switch on the radio. Not really for music but I love listening to the breakfast show on Galaxy. So I switch on and guess what was playing....... I don't have to tell you. I couldn't help but listen and I think I understand those lyrics more than I would have a year ago.

I know you must be wondering what's the song and who's it by, so I made the effort to find it on You Tube and share it with you!!!


Tuesday 11 September 2007

Responsibility

Got feed back from the latest interview and it doesn't seem like I'll be starting work anytime soon. Not that I'm heart broken. I've been thinking alot about what I want lately. I asked myself how a many times have I made decisions based on my external environment and the answer was, always.

There really hasn't been a time I can recall, where I made the decision entirely on my own. I'm not saying I just went along with what was presented to me. I couldn't remember a decision I actually made without looking for an answer from an external source. And that's honest. From getting married, to jobs, everytime somewhere along the line I consulted someone or something. I looked for answers on the internet, in books in other peoples lives, and yes I made some great decisions but I have never made a decision from my core.

So today I decide to do something along those lines. I'd gone for a lovely walk with a friend, left my mobile in my bag. When we got back to the car I checked my phone for missed calls. I had one message from the agency I work with. There was a job that needed filling ASAP. I could even start tomorrow if I wanted to, all I had to do was call back.

The first thing that happened was I was about to ask my friend what to do when I suddenly held back. I sat back and thought about it for a while. I thought about it. Then I called the agency back. It's a fact the money could do me good but was this job for me or was I going to take it just because I felt obliged to? The job was in Bradford. It would take me about an hour from home to work everyday. I said I'd think about it.

I thought about it alright, I thought about the money, the money I needed. I thought about what people must think of me for being out of work for so long. I could show them that I was capable of swinging back into the game. I weighed my options, the salary verses the amount of fuel that would have to go into my car. I was about to phone another friend to ask what I should do but held off. I almost called the ex, but I'm glad I never consulted any of the above because not only would the mixture of opinions complicate things, I would never have discovered the power and the sense of ownership of responsibility if I had done so.

So I called back the agent and thanked her for the consideration, that if it was within reasonable travel distance I would have considered it. That I'd have to decline on this occasion and for the first time I didn't feel good or bad about the decision, just happy to be in control for a change.

It has been a great turning point in my life and I've been using the past couple of days to brush up on my novel. The novel to which I'm waiting a response from the literary agent. I know what I want to do with my life. I've always known but for some reason I've always thought I needed someone elses approval, but now I know I don't!!!


Sunday 9 September 2007

The Wedding

We arrived at the wedding after two pm. I'd decided to dress smart casual. I'm not really into the wedding gear. (Smart hats, glittering dresses.) I'd gone for a white long dress - that was almost sweeping the floor- but thanks to my height it missed the floor by an inch. Curly hair, a simple necklace I got in SA and a pair of white sandals. I felt good about the choice. As expected everyone, well almost everyone was dressed to kill- literally- you can imagine how many credit cards where swiped the week prior to this wedding. It's all about the BENJAMIN'S- it's a fact in the African culture. It's about whose going to turn up in the most expensive attire even if it cost them their last pay check!!!!!

Anyway we arrived late, but never the less we were in time for the food!!! Yes I love wedding food, provided it isn't cold, which in this case it was. We (Friend and I ) stood at the door way eyeing how many available chairs that were left. I was busy rapping on about the decor when Friend made me aware that they were actually praying. So I zipped it for a second until they said Amen. Then we made ourselves comfortable in the back seats without the tables - that's what you get for being late- and then rushed over to the "buffet" to get our food - which was cold. Serves us right for rushing, because after we had greedily downed our food I could tell the burners had been heated, so the later crowd got the warm food- bummer!

I eyed out the fashion at the same time tried to get drunk on two Bacardi breezer - please- it was like downing orange juice, I needed something a little stronger. I only spotted two fashion disasters, the first was a woman who looked like she'd skinned a cheetah and the other lady, well lets just say she refused to make any investments in corsets. Enough said. I decided to entertain myself by having a little dance, which rudely kept being interrupted by the hopeless MC. He's just one of those people who loooooooved to hear themselves talk. So I bagged the dancing sooner than expected.

In all I had a good time, I got to spend time with my friends, which was fantastic and I got out of the house, now that's therapy so I know there be less drama from me this week!!!!!

Saturday 8 September 2007

It's time

Yesterday went for interview in Leeds. At first didn't think much about it, thought it was going to be one of those interviews but the interviewers were genuinely interested in us. It was a group interview. There was no unnecessary pressure and you really felt you could be in that environment.

Big company, great perks including medical and dental insurance. The only downfall would be the hours for me. I know I can work around them but it would mean less time for Naomi, but on the other hand she'd have a happy mother and that's what's important. I'm not going to get too excited about it. If it is meant to be then I will embrace this with all my heart. I will own it. It's time. I'm ready to finally move on with my life.

Anyway today I'm off to Manchester for a wedding. How exciting!!!!! I'll do my usual, take out my judging cap and be eyeing out the attire. Love being a fashion inspector. I love to see how other people dress and what exactly they'd be thinking to be getting into clothes two sizes smaller. That's just me! It's only clothes and it's a bit of fun!



Thursday 6 September 2007

The world keeps spinning

I caught a glimpse a of a real live Jerry Springer show. Not that I'm a fan, but who can ignore screaming, yelling, hitting and finally sobbing in the middle of a town mall? I must admit I found it quite amusing and so did the rest of the shoppers who were forced to stop their browsing and tune into the drama of love. It's always about that. It's the main driving force that makes us act in such strange ways.

I walked by as quickly as I could, not because I didn't want to watch the drama to easy off the load off my non dramatic day but because it's a subconscious action I picked up in South Africa. The minute you hear raised voices in public in SA you run for it. You just never know whose going to pull out the sharp object first or start spraying bullets all over the show. I just got that funny fear feeling in the pit of my stomach, and kept as far away as possible at the same time glancing over my shoulder to take in snippets of the live act.

I did feel a little sympathy for the long haired brunette, in a pair of sweat pants and an off white t-shirt that seemed to have missed it's turn in the washing machine. Honestly, by the sound of her tone in the distance it sounded as though she'd had one two many. That goes for her three boyfriends or whoever they were with her. She was fighting with all of them. Story of my life. What can I say. I'm not into soaps so that was the best I could get.

Tomorrow I'm off to an interview looking forward to that not as exciting as today though but it will do!



Wednesday 5 September 2007

Limiting beliefs

It's official, I'm divorced! I guess I can pawn my rings now. Looking back I never thought I'd ever get to this stage but I must admit it's not as bad as it seemed. Sometimes pain makes us make bad decisions but also just the thought of pain or the fear of pain is just as powerful. For a long time I'd known this was suppose to happen but I think that it was fear not love that kept me bound in a relationship that brought me alot of pain.

Honestly though, if I'd a second chance to do my life over from the start of let's say my teens, I'd wouldn't change a thing. I think that everything went just the way it was suppose to. Yes I could've chosen differently but it was never about getting to the finish line, it was about the journey. I'm still on that journey and looking back I'm soooooooo different to what I was ten years ago. Ten years ago I'd be yelling at a security guard for following me around a shop because the colour of my skin makes me a candidate for theft. Now I walk or simply ignore the bugger. I have more control over my life. That's not to say it's okay for other people to treat you badly, but my reactions were never about that person, they were about me actually believing the message he/ she was trying to pin on me.

It has taken me a marriage, bad jobs, bad relationships to wake me up to the reality that I'm enough. That I don't need to screech my vocal cords to force people to acknowledge it. I'm enough, it's that simple! It has taught me that being enough means walking away from the things and people that hurt me. Not gagging on the crap they feed me. That even if I have to be alone, if for a little while, and not stoop to those limiting beliefs then so be it. It's hard but it is a beautiful feeling to be in control of my own life. I've walked away from jobs and people that have been nothing but negative. And even though sometimes it feels like I'd made a mistake. (Some once said you should stick it out. That for me is the same as admitting that it's okay to be treated this way). In the long term I love myself more and it feels pretty dam good and I seem to have much more energy.

So thank you to all the people who have passed through my life. The lessons that I've learnt about myself. The love I feel for me. The reflections you brought back to me. I thank you for the experiences. Today I'm better than I was yesterday.

Enjoy this song by Faith Evans!









Monday 3 September 2007

Life

A friend gave me a brilliant idea over the weekend which I haven't been able to shake. He said I should write a book about how to get along with your ex. Now, you will notice from my previous posts the in's and outs of the relationship with the ex. But in all honesty my friend had a point, because no matter what he says I've never jeopardised our relationship as parents. How I've worked it out is how to separate his behaviour from who he is.

I don't tolerate any negative behaviour towards me and I think he's got that one worked out. He knows that I will only speak with him when we are both respecting one another. On the other hand I did go cold turkey when we broke up. That was zero contact for almost three months. I was like a junkie trying to get him out of my system. Once I'd got through that period the things that use to affect me, the things that use to draw me into arguments stopped working. That's not to say I don't get upset from time to time, but nowadays I simply walk away and let him deal with his issues and when he gets back to his senses treat him like the human being he is and the father of my precious daughter.

Life is in our full control. Feeling miserable is a choice, and I usually choose miserable more times than I should. Sometimes it just feels so dam hard getting out of the victim mentality. But I also realised that acknowledging it, forgiving yourself and getting back in the game is, in my opinion the way of life. I don't personally believe in giving advise, but I do believe that using my own experiences, other people maybe helped, in their own way. No two walks of life can be the same. How I felt in my break up maybe totally different to how another person deals with it, and that's alright. My stories hopefully will help one cope better while going through the pain.