Responsibility

Got feed back from the latest interview and it doesn't seem like I'll be starting work anytime soon. Not that I'm heart broken. I've been thinking alot about what I want lately. I asked myself how a many times have I made decisions based on my external environment and the answer was, always.

There really hasn't been a time I can recall, where I made the decision entirely on my own. I'm not saying I just went along with what was presented to me. I couldn't remember a decision I actually made without looking for an answer from an external source. And that's honest. From getting married, to jobs, everytime somewhere along the line I consulted someone or something. I looked for answers on the internet, in books in other peoples lives, and yes I made some great decisions but I have never made a decision from my core.

So today I decide to do something along those lines. I'd gone for a lovely walk with a friend, left my mobile in my bag. When we got back to the car I checked my phone for missed calls. I had one message from the agency I work with. There was a job that needed filling ASAP. I could even start tomorrow if I wanted to, all I had to do was call back.

The first thing that happened was I was about to ask my friend what to do when I suddenly held back. I sat back and thought about it for a while. I thought about it. Then I called the agency back. It's a fact the money could do me good but was this job for me or was I going to take it just because I felt obliged to? The job was in Bradford. It would take me about an hour from home to work everyday. I said I'd think about it.

I thought about it alright, I thought about the money, the money I needed. I thought about what people must think of me for being out of work for so long. I could show them that I was capable of swinging back into the game. I weighed my options, the salary verses the amount of fuel that would have to go into my car. I was about to phone another friend to ask what I should do but held off. I almost called the ex, but I'm glad I never consulted any of the above because not only would the mixture of opinions complicate things, I would never have discovered the power and the sense of ownership of responsibility if I had done so.

So I called back the agent and thanked her for the consideration, that if it was within reasonable travel distance I would have considered it. That I'd have to decline on this occasion and for the first time I didn't feel good or bad about the decision, just happy to be in control for a change.

It has been a great turning point in my life and I've been using the past couple of days to brush up on my novel. The novel to which I'm waiting a response from the literary agent. I know what I want to do with my life. I've always known but for some reason I've always thought I needed someone elses approval, but now I know I don't!!!