Time to heal

Carrying on with my quest for just being today I managed a little lie in for longer than usual. I even had a bath without any disturbance which was awesome and some time to actually reflect on my life. For some reason I can't get 2002 &2003 out of my mind. I've been ignoring it for months now, but as I tried to have a relaxing bath feelings of anger and sadness wash over me. I begin to cry at first I don't understand why but then I remember that it was in this period we lost our brother. He was murdered and I remember on getting the news I felt as though someone had just landed a fist into my stomach and I was too astonished to cry or do anything about it. It was a period when I'd left my spouse several times and at the same time finding out that I was pregnant, and later miscarrying at 16 weeks.

I was crying because I never felt that I'd given myself the chance to really grieve the losses in my life. I cried because when I was admitted to the hospital I was treated like a statistic and not like a human being who not only was in pain but had just lost her baby. And this is South Africa, a country where we believe in Ubuntu (Human kindness). But at the time I felt as though I didn't matter and being shouted at for feeling pain just makes me cry.

I let go of all this pain and let it run out with my bath water and now I'm putting it on this blog and letting it go out into the universe. I'm only searching for what everybody else is searching for. The acknowledgement of my existence. That I'm here and that I matter and that my pain is just as real as everyone else's. It can't be graded by class or race. By where I work or what I do. Each and everyone of us deal with our pains differently but that doesn't make us any less or more than anyone else.

So today in my little quiet moment I take this time to heal. To acknowledge that yes it hurts like hell and that now it's time to let it go and move on into a beautiful future that is waiting for me!