What about what I want?

I often wonder how many times I've actually made decisions based on what I want and I've come up with very few. I beginning to think that this is why I've spent so many years being unhappy because I give into what other people have wanted for my life. When I ask myself what I really want, without thinking about the consequences, I know I want my own personal freedom. My space to just be.

Freedom to choose what I want to do with my life and taking full responsibility for the consequences. This feeling came about this after a disagreement about that dam rover with the ex. I want to let it go, he thinks I should keep it. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT! It's the little incidents like these that have big impacts on my relationships, someone once said that it's not always about me and that no man is an Island.That we need people in our lives, I couldn't agree more but I believe that I need the right type of people in my life.

The people who will stand with me no matter what I decide to do with my life.
The ones who will support my decisions even when they think I'm a little nuts.
The ones who let you know it's safe enough to cry in their presence and not make you feel like a weakling.
The ones who allow you to be human, who help you realise that we're not perfect and that we make mistakes and that it's okay, because as long as we are willing to learn from them we can become better people from the experience.
The ones who don't define us by what we do or say because they understand that we are so much more than our actions and the choices we make. These are the people I want more of in my life.

I have two important people like that in my life and I'm really sad that they have to be so far away from me.

First is my cousin Nandi who makes you feel like the most important person in the room. She's the type of person who wouldn't raise her eyebrows at you because you've just told her you've french kissed another girl -not that I have and nor am I planning to. The type of person who if you told her that you got up late today because last night you happened to be at a space party and you were getting it down with real green men with huge black eyes in red jump suites shooting down a few tequilas, may not believe you but won't make you feel like a total odd ball. Will accept where you're coming from without jeopardizing herself there by this action allowing you to see yourself as you really are and understanding that the space gig wasn't really necessary to cook up. Her action of acceptance therefore enabling you rectifying your statement because you still feel validated as a human being no matter what you say or do. This bringing out the best actions in you.

I spoke to her the past weekend, I was really in need of an upliftment about relationships. I've been having trouble with a friend and I wanted to know what to do about it. I felt as though I was being weak, a doormat for not standing up for myself. I was feeling as if the decisions I made, were who I was. I was rattling on about how I have to be strong and not take this kind of treatment, but then she said something very important that made me rethink my beliefs about myself and relationships - she said, relationships are not about strength they're about love. If you make decissions based on the belief you're being manipulated then you're making the decision based on your external circumstances and not from your own internal truth. You have to understand inside yourself why it is important to do something about the relationship in order to move forward. I got it!

Then there's my best friend Amanda she's the one who gets me. We speak the same language, love the same movies, curse the same idiots who hurt us, read the same books, get into spiritual modes at the same time, understand each others weaknesses. Telling her the truth doesn't land me silent treatment. Honestly being with her is like being with myself, we can laugh into midnight and not feel bad about it. Sleep till noon and be okay with it.

This is what I want more of in my life, to be with people who will up lifted me and not continue to push me down when I'm down or try to lift me up based on their terms and conditions. People who accept me when I'm up and when I'm down, if I have or if I'm without. This is what I truly want. Just to be free to be me!