Dragging my feet

I know I'm dragging my feet on my daily posts, but I've been quite busy. Well sort of. I've things to do places to go, you know... the important things. Went for and interview yesterday. I was ten minutes early and get this, the interviewer was late. Ha! Anyway it went okay, interesting lady. Mature and likes to wear loads of make up. I was really trying to focus on the subject at hand but I couldn't keep my eyes off the blue eye shadow! You know, sometimes I wonder about myself. You'd think I'd be concentrating on the interview but I always seem to wander. She was a nice lady all round. I'll know my fate on Monday.

Have two more interviews next week. One on Tuesday at 11 and another on Friday at 1pm. Good luck to me. Besides that I'm doing better than before. Today took Naomi to the doctor, shes got a funny rash...Nothing to worry about. The weekend is looking good, probably a barbecue if the weather is looking good and enough people are available.

Tonight just kicking back with a bottle of wine!

Change

I've been going through the motions again and don't know if I'm coming or going. The good thing though is that life seems to be looking up for me. I have a line of interviews to go to starting tomorrow and the following week, which will be great because Naomi is going back to school. I feel as though things are beginning to change and I'm not sure how I want to deal with them yet.

Had a good bank holiday, that's if you take out the Sunday drama. Had a barbecue at friends and laughed myself to pieces. It was nice though because I haven't been with these people before. You know it's funny, you enter into this circle that has been formed long before you arrive, you feel your defenses going up very quickly, but I must admit they were a different kind of people. People who spoke to me as if they'd know me for ages.

Anyway I'm giving myself a mini makeover this afternoon so I can look stunning for the coming interviews!!

Change of plans

We were planning to go to the Caribbean festival this weekend like I mentioned earlier but there was a change in plans. This would’ve been my third attencance since I came to England but because of certain circumstances I decided not to attend. I almost did though.

This is what went wrong.

Two weeks ago I got a call from the ex. He sincerely asks me if I could help him. This year he wanted to sell some drinks at the carnival to make a little cash. You can get a special permit to sell. So I’m thinking. I’m a civil person, I don’t mind helping at the same time Naomi can get to spend time with him so I agree.

So today I show up as planned, at nine o’clock to be exact. I park my car far away from the carnival coz I know things can get a little rough and get on the phone to the ex to find out if he’s arrived. He answers in his lying tone! I’ve had years of practise to know when he’s lying about something, I always recognise it in his tone. My stomach churns. He tells me a long tale about how he’s struggling to get into the place and he’ll call me back. Phone cut! Okay then, I didn’t just drag my ass out of bed at 7a.m this morning for this shit so as I’m about to ring to let him know I’ll walk up and find him, right on cue he calls.

Him: I know I should’ve told you this earlier but I’m with the woman……..

Sirens naturally go off in my head- he’s with the woman I threw his ass out of the house for- and stupidly in a panic thought I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and temporarily asked him back (I plead insanity in this instance), but quickly got back to my senses and decided that it was better her than me.

Him:....I don't want you to get upset.........
Hah????????? I don't know what recreational substances he's taking but since when does he tell me how and how not to feel? The thing is though; this whole scenario was not my idea of spending my bank holiday facing the enemy. I don’t recall signing up to the Jerry Springer show and I don’t break bread with my enemies I’d rather burn in hell. For that reason I decided to switch off my phone, swing my key in the ignition, put car into gear and head back onto the motor way and take my beautiful self home. It’s not worth the drama!

Sorry that there will be no pictures to show, maybe next time.

One day at a time

We've had beautiful weather the past two days I refused to stay indoors. Yesterday we got back home late afternoon after spending the first half in and out of our local town and the rest at a local park. We had a little picnic and Naomi had a few rides and then we took a stride under the tall trees playing "I Spy". Too tired to lift a finger I couldn't bring anything up to write. I thought about posting one of my poems but I just felt so relaxed I just went with the flow and lay on my bed lazing about and reading a book.


It's been lovely and hopefully the weekend is going to do the same. We are going the a Caribbean festival over the bank holiday. I promise- that's if I don't forget the camera- to take some lovely pictures and post them on Tuesday!

Finally, as I was enjoy this beautiful weather I had this song playing in my head and wanted to share it with you.

Not worth the drama

My eyes are watering and my nose is running because I happen to put my big nose into the yellow dandelions Naomi had presented to me. (She really believes they are flowers as strongly as she believes in the tooth fairy that only gives notes) I had my nose or should I say the flowers up my nose because I'm guilt ridden by what had happened earlier today. But I see Karma has balanced out my actions.

We were on our way out the door, Naomi, baby Anabelle and I. I have to refer to this doll as a real person if I want a good nights sleep. Anyway, just as I'm about to leave Naomi pips "Can we take her pram."
Now I'm thinking, that means going upstairs, folding the dam thing, back downstairs, then into the boot, then when arriving at the shops opening boot, open up pram, time wasted while strapping baby Anabelle then wheeling her all the way around town so I say.
"No"

Then we get into the WHY debate which takes longer than it's suppose to because she really doesn't care about my reasons. She just wants to get her pram and that's the end of it. So she sits herself down on the stairs folded arms and starts her peaceful demonstration. Defeated- because I know that if I want to get out within the next hour- I rush upstairs and get the pram. As I wheel it out the bedroom, it's wheels wobbling all over the place, it wasn't looking good. To which I yell downstairs.
"Your pram is broken. I don't have time to sort it out." I quickly rush back downstairs hoping that this would be understood, open the door and ask miss Naomi to peacefully get into the car.

She decides that the peaceful demo has to take a different direction so she screams, almost popping my eardrum as well as the neighbours. I breath to calm down but I see that I'm getting no where and storm back upstairs and back down with the pram and throw it into the boot and yell.
"Get in the car or would you like to drive the car!" WHAT?????

Sometimes it's just not worth it. I could have just taken the trouble and let her take the pram, What was the big deal.

So as a peace treaty I decided to poke my nose into those weeds and gained a runny nose and runny eyes. Happy days!

The torture of indecision

I'm standing at a cross roads in my life and I need to make a decision. I'm not sure I'm ready to make it but the indecision is putting unnecessary stress on me. I've been here before, it so familiar and I know that eventually the ball really is in my court because I'm the only one in charge of my life.

You know when you don't really want to make a decision you kinda like look for every excuse in the book not to do it. Or you ask for advice for which you already know the answer to. That's were I am and I'm so aware of it that it's not the decision but the indecision that is causing me pain. I've weighed all my options, I've calculated my advantages and disadvantages and all of these head in one direction, to the decision I don't really want to make. It's okay to see the reasons but I don't yet understand them. The fact is I will come to a decision eventually and either way I will have to go through some sort of drama but which one will I come out feeling better about myself. Well, that I can only decided. I'm not my thoughts, although my thoughts bring about my actions, I'm more than that thought. If I let myself be defined by a thought then I'd be one hell of a beast but I allow them then let them go and make a decision that not always is in my best interest. Because I'm human and sometimes shit happens and that's okay.

I will foucus on positive thinking, but I will also allow myself to be human, because sometimes I just can't be a robot of perfection. So this big decision is still lingering about in my mind. Can't ignore it because somehow either the energy will change and force me to make a decision or I'll just get tired of living in indecisiveness. When that happens I'll be sure to let you know, but in the mean time I will continue to be human and continue to be tortured by these demons of indecision, trusting I'll figure it out eventually!

Visit to the doctor

On with the cardigan then off again, a sneeze here then another sneeze there. A little cough. Ouch that hurt right there between the ribs.
"You must be coming down with something." said the Dr.
"You don't say!" Well not in words just in my mind. It's pretty much why I made the appointment. I'm not feeling well.
"How do you pronounce your name?" squints at the computer screen.
"LINDIWE." I smile and wait for her to parrot my name back to me. Not many people call me by my full name not even my family. They call me Lindy, or Li or Linde. The only person who does call me Lindiwe and that will be a rare occasion, well it hardly likely these days, would be my mother, and that would mean I was in shite!

Anyway she tries her best and I give her two stars for effort then go on to explain my symptoms. Honestly at times I felt as though I was telling a fib.
"You're not pregnant?"
I giggle a little and wonder why it always boils down the the same question. If I must say pregnancy is a absolute no, no. I can't feel any bumps or blows to my head,see any suspicious needle holes, or times or dates I can't recall. I've been fully conscious since the day I was born.

She smiles at me oddly as if she can read my thoughts. Then focuses on Naomi for a bit. She brought her baby Anabella with her. The one with real tears. For goodness sake, the doll has been cry, burping loudly, sleeping, oohing and aahing and I really can't take much more.
"What's your baby's name?" the Dr asks.
"uuuuu,,uummmm Sarah" Naomi smiles shyly and looks over at me. I silently mouth Switch Off!
Doctor looks back at me, I smile, then back to Naomi.
"How is she today?"
"She's poorly"
Lord! The doll's getting more attention than I am.
BLAH ,BLAH BLAH for a few more seconds than it's back to me.

I lie down on the exam table and get the usual,
Heart rate? Check! Blood pressure? Check! Eyes,mouth? Check!

Next its a tight armband around my tiny biceps- feeling like a real heroine addict ready for a fix as she taps centre of my arm and a nice juicy vein appears. In goes the sharp needle and I'm washed over by nausea! I will be no good at taking drugs intravenously. And finally it was a trip to the loo.

Conclusion- I'll have to go back in next Tuesday. Advice- Get lots of rest it sounds as though I'm coming down with a flu. And drink lots of fluid. Booohoo- No drugs?

So off we went Naomi and I and burping baby Anabelle and I still feel as though nothing was really solved.